UnNews:New England Patriots are cheaters

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7 May 2015

One of the pieces of physical evidence filed in the Commissioner's office.

FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts -- The NFL has finally issued a report with airtight proof that the New England Patriots became Super Bowl champions not through talent or athletic prowess but by breaking the rules.

In a 243-page report, NFL investigator Ted Wells found that it is "more likely than not" that footballs were deliberately underinflated, that it is "pretty possible" that a conspiracy permeated the equipment room, that it is "a fair bet" that quarterback Tom Brady was aware of the scheme, and that "I reckon" that memorabilia and trinkets were paid subordinates to flout the most basic rules of sportsmanship.

Underinflated balls would be easier to conceal inside a player's jersey, leaving the defense baffled as to who is the actual ball carrier. NFL teams have been increasingly angry when a Patriots center or kick-holder strolls into the end zone with his hands in his pockets, then pulls a flat football out of his shirt for a touchdown, but the league never took action until now.

The report was issued a couple of days after the 2015 player draft, making it pointless to penalize the Patriots by removing their picks. However, U.S. sports commentators were giddy about the prospect that Brady would be "brought down a few pegs" or even suffer overt embarrassment, such as having to sit out the first game of the new season and receive his gaudy Super Bowl ring in a private ceremony, while fans would share the punishment by paying hundreds of dollars to watch backup Jimmy Garoppolo[Who?] fumble properly inflated footballs.

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New England steals AFC trophy

The key to the NFL report is texts between locker room attendant Jim McNally and equipment assistant John Jastremski, retrieved after the league confiscated their cell phones and secret decoder whistles. The report finds that the two referred to the star quarterback as F---in Tom. It is not clear what the three censored letters are, but the league is adamant about setting a good example to schoolchildren by correct spelling of all obscenities.

Of particular interest is a period of 100 seconds that McNally spent in a lavatory, alone with all 12 footballs in the Patriots' custody. The league did not accept McNally's excuse that he was not illegally deflating them but merely fondling them in the knowledge that two or three would be autographed to him at the end of the game; and that bathroom breaks "are taking me longer" since the NFL began timing and videotaping them for Instant Replay.