UnNews:NASA Funding Cut After Water Found on Moon
| We distort, you deride | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 18:48:59 (UTC) |
| NASA Funding Cut After Water Found on Moon | 
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14 November 2009
NASA Headquarters, 20 Kilometers Below the Surface of Mars -- NASA President Hal Nyenthowsend today officialy announced that, as of the 15th of November, 2009, NASA would cease to exist as the White House had cut "every last cent of it's funding" due to "wasteful use of resources and poor performance".
The recession is rumoured to be a factor in the decision, however, the funding cut comes after a series of blunders by the National Aeronautics and Space Administration dating back over 20 years.
The American Government had been under pressure to cut funding to the program since 1982 when its Steven Spielberg directed propaganda film, E.T.: The Extra Terrestrial, failed to put the organization in a good light. In fact the popularity of government scientists decreased significantly after the films release.
The Administration's woes continued with a failed publicity stunt in the early 90's. Their decision to start sending celebrities in to space to make NASA "cool again" quickly backfired when Baywatch star and nobel laureate Pamela Anderson made a trip into the cosmos for an undisclosed sum of money. An oversight by NASA scientists meant that Ms Andersons breast implants exploded as her shuttle was reentering earth's orbit covering the control panels in silicone and destroying the electrical circuits running the ship. Ms Anderson was lucky to live through the ordeal and successfully sued NASA for $10,000,000 in plastic surgeons fees and reparations for emotional distress.
The final straw came this week when it was announced that water had been found on the moon. What had seemed like a successful bombing mission occured on October 9th this year, however, the elation of bombing something other than another country turned to dissappointment when it was found that there was nothing but water on the barren lunar body. "I think it's quite obvious we were looking for oil. Even diamonds or gold would have justified bombing ir.. uh, the moon," president Barack Obama was quoted as saying yesterday "It was a disappointment to find out that thee lunar surface contains only useless water." He went on to say "The U.S. doesn't bomb anything for something as unimportant and worthless as water. This is why the decision to cut funding has been made."
When asked about what would happen to all of the old rocket ships and space shuttles Dr Nyenthowsend said that they would be traded in for cash towards new, more fuel efficient, rockets ships and space shuttles which would be designed and created by General Motors. These new ships are not expected to work.
Sources[edit]
- Smith, Michael "The Moon is a Worthless Piece of Shit". New York Times, November 12, 2009
- Mayer, B.S. "The Main Character From that Adam Sandler Film "The Waterboy" has an Orgasm at NASA Press Conference". Associated Press, Julembuary 44th, 2009
References[edit]
- A Pretend Interview With the President