UnNews:Moose forced to vote for Palin

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Democracy Dies with Dignity

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UnNews

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:38:59 (UTC)

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24 October 2008

Look what that horrible white caucasian honkey-tonk redneck cracker bitch did to me!

LETTER TO THE EDITOR

I am writing to express one more reason it is important that everyone vote for the Obama-Biden ticket this winter. Wait, is the election in the winter? Up here, the seasons are winter, winter, winter, and not-quite-as-winter.

You see, I am a moose. As moose go, I am pretty normal. I spend most of my time eating tall grasses and willow bushes, asking other moose how my antlers look, and posing a danger to traffic.

Just several days ago, I had a traumatic experience. I was innocently grazing on tall grasses when a white woman leapt from the trees with a rifle in her hand and took aim at me. That's when she saw the Barack Obama sticker on my large moose posterior.

The woman flew into a rage and tackled me to the ground. Then, over the next ten minutes, she gently and carefully scratched the message "SARAH WAS HERE" into my oversized moose flank with a machete. It was painful. Kind of painful. The worst part was, the damn cracker leaked amniotic fluid all over me the entire time. It smelled like musk and extra chromosomes.

Then she yelled "You're a Palin voter now!" frog-marched me to the nearest polls 500 miles away, forced me to vote for Palin, and then disappeared into the woods. I wouldn't bother looking for her.

To prove that this all happened and wasn't invented in my big moose brain, I am enclosing a picture of myself. I assure you that this image is not altered in any way. Also, my moose friends tell me that from where they're standing, the lettering looks backwards. I can only assume that this bespectacled white woman had some rare form of dyslexia.

Yours in Christ,

Joe the Moose

Yukon-Koyukuk, Alaska

Sources

• Staff. "Sarah Palin nearly rapes a moose during Canadian sojourn". CNN, October 24, 2008