UnNews:Microsoft Makes 'Doors' Due to Recent Failure Vista

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Sunday, May 26, 2024, 03:38:59 (UTC)

Microsoft Makes 'Doors' Due to Recent Failure Vista UnNews Logo Potato.png

13 August 2008

The new logo for Microsoft Doors.

REDMOND, Washington - The powerhouse company in computer systems across the planet, Microsoft, is a company that comes up with new systems often. Microsoft was founded by the now multi-billionare Bill Gates. The first, and probably the most effective was Microsoft DOS, which is practically the control prompt found on most Microsoft computers today. Other Microsoft systems of note are the Windows sytems, by far the most popular personal computer systems of all time. Versions of the Windows System include: Windows 95, Windows 98, Windows ME, Windows 2000, Windows XP, and Windows Vista, respectively.

All of these systems dominated in their time, said to be the greatest computer systems. These great systems, however, were often plagued with difficulties. The people still stuck with Windows because it was the only good computer system on the market, so Microsoft still stayed number one. After the big success of 95, Microsoft had to update and make a new system in 98, which was a good system itself. Afterwards came ME... the absolute best system ever, with very few problems. Then they produced 2000, and then XP and Vista. All of the systems worked fine, until Vista came around.

Windows Vista is called the worst system made by Microsoft. Although it had new features, it was not as easy to run and manage as windows XP, so unsatisfied costumers were downgrading to XP -- an unexpected move at Microsoft. So, they stopped selling XP programs. Still, people got a hold of stolen or used ones. Not to mention that The Mac commercials really brought them down and for the first time they really had competition.

So they had to make something new, something good, something everybody would love. Programmers got on the job. The task was difficult, because they didn't have many new ideas to put into the new system. And they didn't even have a name. And since people preferred XP over Vista, they decided to combine the two and make... Doors.

The news was released merely a millisecond ago, and of course, being the best UnNews reporter ever, I was first on the scene. Bill Please (Gates) was at the releasing of the brand new Microsoft Doors.

Here at Microsoft, we promised that we would rob you of your money for very crappy personal computer systems which will explode and with the creation of our newest system, Microsoft Doors, we have completely broken that promise. Microsoft doors is the best PC system ever, by far beating out Mac or all of the previous Windows systems combined. I'm certain that our customers will be satisfied with our brand new product.You just have to knock the CPU just like a door and it will turn on.

—Bill Gates

However, after a shitty and total lie amazing and inspirational speech by Bill Gates, one of our secret cameras revealed that Mr. gates was crossing his fingers during the entire speech. I wonder what that could mean...

Microsoft Doors is supposedly the best PC system ever only in 2008, isn't it? Features lead us to believe so. Here are just a few of the features: Jailed Up internet, Broadband Crappy Singtel, Slower downloading, 2kb of storage, two desktop backgrounds showing that the countdown to the time where your computer will be spoilt. (more available for purchase!), and Anti-Virus 2008 which is a spyware which harms your computer. Sounds like the "best" computer available on the market. And the price is only $1.99 hell notes, that is with a 99% sale.

So will this new knocking Doors system be the king/losers of computers, or will it fall like the sad reign of Vista and ? Will people run back to Windows95 like they were running from Godzilla? Or will they be stuck to their new Microsoft Doors System, helpless? All we can do is wait to find out if any computer was spoilt.

All I know is, I'm going to be the first one to buy one. It will be awesome.