UnNews:Markle begs royals to spare her head

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Tuesday, July 23, 2024, 22:06:59 (UTC)

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15 March 1536

Queen Meghan Markle.

LONDON -- Queen Meghan Markle of England has complained to the media about her current treatment at the hands of King Harry VIII. Meghan, who is currently chained up in the Tower of London, said what had happened to her was very unfair and example of how the Tudor court has discriminated against her.

"I married King Harry for love," said Queen Meghan. "I was just a poor naive American actress, working on a wooden stage in Canada, when the King swept me off my feet. I told him he could have me but only if he divorced Catherine of Aragon, broke with the Pope, and left England with me. The king said that wasn't a problem, but he wasn't telling the truth. Now I am here in the Tower of London, accused of treason, sleeping with my brother, and using witchcraft to shrivel the royal appendage. I don't have a brother!"

Though Queen Meghan officially supplied an heir to the throne with Prince Archibald, royal insiders say Queen Meghan wasn't the mother of the child, as it was neither black nor foreign-looking. They say the baby was smuggled in so that Queen Meghan could claim it as her own. "I was told the Tudors were a toxic dynasty. After all, look what they did with the surviving Plantagenets after the War of the Roses. Executed or exiled them! Now it's my turn. I could lose my head! I want to re-locate to the New World!!"

Courtiers Experts suggest Queen Meghan will soon be for the chop, though as a courtesy to her foreign origins, an expert swordsman from France has tendered for the job if she and King Harry don't mend their marriage.

Meantime, King Harry has been seen with his new girlfriend, actress Jane Seymour. The veteran thespian is said to be "expecting" a new royal heir, despite her age difference with the Harry (about 50 years).