UnNews:Lukashenko's mercy mission stalls

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Wednesday, December 1, 2021, 06:17:59 (UTC)

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24 November 2021

President Lukashenko in debating mode.

Minsk, Belarus -- Alexander Lukashenko (AL), front runner for the Dictator Of The Year award, has struck some problems in his recent attempt to aid refugees in the Middle East. We have President By Decree Lukashenko on the line for an up-to-the-minute report on is plan to resettle refugees currently suffering at the hands of lesser dictators in the more hospitable environment of Europe.

UnNews: "Good morning President By Decree Lukashenko. We'd like to find out how your mercy mission is going."

AL: "Who is this? Poland? Germany? Who?"

UnNews: "It's UnNews here, supplying the Dark Side of The News to the world."

AL: "It's not Ukraine, is it? Traitors to authoritarianism. Mindless masses electing the government indeed. Do the ants or the bees elect their ruler? What sort of legitimacy of government is that?"

UnNews: "No, it's UnNews, distilling the confusing and contradictory news into comedy. We'd like to know how your mercy mission is doing."

AL: "Mercy mission? Oh, you mean turning Belarus into NGO. No government operation. Yes, we have stroke of genius. Everyone thinks NGOs are good. They take refugees, put them in other countries. Everybody likes NGOs. Nobody likes me. This is unfair. I am best dictator in Europe, maybe the whole world, but nobody likes me. So, we become NGO. we say to refugees in Middle East, 'Come to Belarus, we put you in Germany, Poland. Nice places. Brilliant. So many people come to Belarus. But they want to stay here."

UnNews: "I suppose that must be a problem for you. Why did you think they wouldn't just stay in Belarus?"

AL: "We only give them one week visa. We have the army drive them to the border and put up signs like, 'This way to Poland'. Brilliant. Then everybody love me."

UnNews: "It hasn't really turned out as you expected though."

AL: "No. Other countries don't want to take them. They say, 'Finders keepers' and close borders. What do they think? Belarus is now NGO. WE can't afford them. We don't want them. We just get them to the border. They must take them. Otherwise we tell everybody that they are selfish, uncaring countries who won't take refugees."

UnNews: "That doesn't seem to have worked."

AL: "No. What do they expect? We keep them? We are NGO. It is up to other places to take them."

UnNews: "What do you plan to do with all these refugees who don't want to leave?"

AL: "First I talk to comrade Vladimir Putin. I say, how about you take refugees? Lots of room in Siberia. Comrade Putin very good man, but he won't take refugees. He just sends bombers to fly over Belarus, but he doesn't even bomb the refugees. So we send them back. Go home, we say, you can't even get past razor wire and water cannon in winter. What kind of refugees are you? We should have gotten North Korean refugees. They do anything to escape country. So, no more NGO stuff. Wasn't my idea anyway. We shoot minister who thought up stupid idea."

UnNews: "So where do you go from here."

AL: "Maybe we get into climate change. I offer to shut down dirty, polluting state industries if Europe gives us billions of dollars. State industries don't make any money anyway. Comrade Putin rings up. He asks what do I think I'm doing? He says you already get billions of rubles from me and we have to warm up Siberia. I tell him don't worry, we just say it, we won't really do it, just like all the other countries. He says okay, but don't get too many stupid ideas, little brother. I ring up Greta Thunberg. She just laughs. Just wait till she tries to fly anywhere near Belarus."

UnNews: "Well, thanks for all this great information about your plans for transforming Belarus. We hope to talk to you again sometime."

AL: "Hey, you're not UN News, are you?"