UnNews:Love goes down fast in frenzied trading

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UnNews

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 04:11:59 (UTC)

11 February 2016

The U.S. Federal Reserve's hot chairwoman Janet Yellen attempted to get the nation's romantic juices flowing again.

CHIHUAHUA, Mexico -- Valentine's Day could be in deep trouble. Market researchers are reporting the value of love has fallen by two thirds since its climax in February 2014. Married couples have borne the brunt of the misery, with marital love suffering its greatest collapse in modern history. Crushes have also fallen from $115 a month in the summer of 2014, to just under $28 in mid-January. It looks like a cold winter for love, and analysts say it is gettng colder.

In the wake of early-state Presidential elections in the United States, Irish websites that permit betting on U.S. elections predict that the election of either Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders will reduce the amount of amorous feeling in the country by an order of magnitude, while victory for Donald Trump will merely attenuate American wives' romantic interest in their husbands.

City of Chihuahua police take the evidence, a huge teddy bear, into custody but are still searching for the thief.

Already, the value of certain cuddly plush dolls has reached $0.00 in one Northern Mexican city, thanks to one sticky-fingered market maker. Investigators are trying to get to the bottom of this failure of free enterprise.

In a choppy futures market in Chicago on Thursday, love futures not only breached a key "support level" but have blasted below a key child-support level.

Market watchers observe that a confluence of factors, led by increases in pornography, and fueled by demands for diamonds and financial fondling, are combining to create "the perfect storm" in a global climate that has barely come to terms with the affairs of the previous year. As one British financial analyst observed "February 14th is likely to mean just another a conversationless evening at Pizza Hut to use up two-for-one vouchers cut out from the Daily Mirror."

Although a 75 percent collapse in love should represent an unmitigated positive for the world's overpopulation problem, the sheer scale of the rout is already imperiling the finances of Hessian heart-cushion manufacturers, and is now threatening to unleash a wave of bankruptcies across the astrology industry. Astrologers with investments in Hessian heart-cushion futures are likely to be hardest hit.