UnNews:Loch Ness Monster to swim south if Scotland secedes

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11 September 2014

To leave if Scotland breaks away.

EDINBURGH, Scotland -- In a shock move of dinosaurian dimensions, Scotland's beloved 'beastie', the Loch Ness Monster says she will go south if Scotland votes in favour of a breakaway from England next week.

The graceful Nessie who has lived in Scotland since the end of Mesozoic Era said it would be a difficult decision to leave Loch Ness but was sure the Scots would understand why she has no financial faith with those opting for independence.

"I was a difficult decision to make but I had to be sure my pension would be secure. My last pension was with T.Rex Bank which was wiped out by an asteroid hit about 65 million years ago. I don't want to see that happen again. So now I am moving my money to London and carry on being a tourist attraction down there."

Scotland's First Minister, Alex Salmond said he hoped 'Nessie' would change her mind and stay in his country. He claimed the English would mistreat her and make fun of her accent and tartan bonnet. Salmond said:

"I kept tellin' her not to read the London newspapers or watch the BBC alone. I am concerned she wants to leave. Now she hopes to compete with London's Mayor Boris Johnson for news coverage and a free supply of wet kippers. "

Team Scotland say they are 'working' on the Loch Ness Monster and are confident that contrary to allegations of desertion, she will appear in Edinburgh on the 19th September carrying Salmond on her back as they celebrate Scotland's first day as a brand new Jurassic Park.