UnNews:Lib Dem coup fails to make Clegg leg it

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30 May 2014

Clegg shows that he can get vicious when the going gets tough.

WESTMINSTER, UK -- In one of the most spectacular fails of corruption in British politics, an attempt by Lord Oakeshott to remove Nick Clegg as leader of the Liberal Democrats achieved only Lord Oakeshott's own resignation from the party in disgrace.

In a move that recalled Sergeant Wilson's catchphrase from Dad's Army, Lord Oakshott demanded, "Would you mind awfully stepping down, please?" The response was a firm, "I don't vant ze soggy politicians, I only like ze nice obedient ones. Your name vill go on ze list of liberal politicians to resign although zis time sexual perversion, lying to the court or speeding von't be involved."

The affair started after the worst drop in results for any party in the district council elections, as a defeated Lib Dem incumbent blamed party leadership. This baffled many right-wing politicians, who as yet have not found a way to combat their unquestionable loyalty to their leader and their habit of blaming everything on immigration.

Nick Clegg said that the idea that he should resign was "preposterous." He declared, "It would mean I would lose my job and become unemployed. I will lose my house, my livelihood! Do you want me to become homeless?" Lord Oakeshott then chipped in, telling Liberal Democrats on Twitter that "I can no longer use our party's slogan, I agree with Nick, when you see what a mess he has made of this democratic party that can only put a policy forward if a majority of the members of the whole party agree with it."

Vince Cable. Wrinkled, old and dessicated.

Vince Cable, business secretary and former Liberal Democrat leader backed up Mr. Clegg's decision to continue as leader. "When I saw that the coup didn't have the turnout I expected from the lads, I realised their idea to get me put back in charge of the party wasn't going to work. That's when I suddenly realised I needed to back Nick's brilliant decision." Support from other key members of the party showed that the Liberal Democrat leadership was safe in Nick's hands.

The future for Nick Clegg, however, is not entirely safe now. In one year's time, he will struggle just to retain his own seat in his Sheffield constituency, which gave such support for his student policies in the previous general election (the ones he forgot about when raising University fees).

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