UnNews:Leader of National Gay Alliance dismissed for heterosexual activity

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

A newsstand that's brimming with issues UnNews Tuesday, June 18, 2024, 02:36:59 (UTC)

Leader of National Gay Alliance dismissed for heterosexual activity UnNews Logo Potato.png

5 November 2006

Problems playing this file? You might be a dope.
Nobody ever suspected that National Gay Alliance leader Ted Haggard was secretly straight, married, and Baptist.

SAN FRANCISCO, CA -- Ted Haggard, head of the powerful National Gay Alliance, was forced out of the organization over the weekend after admitting to heterosexual activity. Allegations of Haggard's morality first surface on Thursday, when the man's wife contacted local media with proof of his heterosexuality. At first the gay leader denied all charges, but eventually was forced to admit to some, given damning evidence.

The shocking news comes as a disappointment to homosexuals nationwide, who viewed Haggard as a revered leader and a key figure in their fight for more respect and the right to civil unions and marriage. The fact that Haggard is actually straight and has been married to a woman for seven years now was hard to believe for many followers. When the news first surfaced, Gay Alliance member and male prostitute Flavio Jones remarked, "I hope all these allegations are lies - it must be part of a vast right-wing conspiracy!"

Haggard's wife Linda said she never knew her husband was the leader of the National Gay Alliance, but when she saw him on TV at a Gay Pride rally she thought the world should know who he really is. She claims Haggard even fathered three children with her, and they all live a quiet life together in a traditional suburban home. Mrs. Haggard also alleges her husband is a devout Christian who attends a Baptist church every Sunday and reads the Bible religiously. Haggard acknowledged he had bought some Bibles, but said that it was "just to see what they are like - I didn't actually read more than just a few passages."

Other National Gay Alliance officials initially stood behind Haggard, saying his alleged wife Linda made up the story of their marriage to influence the upcoming elections. But some answering machine messages left by Haggard that were released to local radio stations made the charges seem indisputable. In one message he said, "Honey, I'll be a little late for dinner because I'm praying extra long in church tonight." Another explicitly alluded to Haggard's heterosexuality, "Happy anniversary my wonderful wife! I can't wait to get home and bum you to bits tonight."

The National Gay Alliance's board of overseers dismissed Haggard and are continuing with their investigation. "It's very unfortunate that a leader who was supposed to be the model for flaming homosexuality was in reality a straight-laced family man," grimly commented alliance vice president Hugo Testicular. Notable pro-gay activists and government officials are now trying to distance themselves from Haggard. "I feel ashamed to have worked with this man," announced former Massachusetts Governor Romney, who worked with Haggard on legalizing gay marriage in that state.