UnNews:John Dorian struck from medical register

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31 October 2008

Dr. Dorian in a staring contest with Chief of Medicine Oscar the Grouch, neglecting his patients.

NORTHERN AMERICA, eh, America -- Hospital staff and residents of Sacred Heart Hospital were shocked today to learn that a health practitioner at the institution was stricken off the medical record. John "Newbie" Dorian came under investigation after it was alleged that his conduct around patients was "grossly inappropriate". After thorough inquiry legal staff at the bustling North American hospital uncovered several instances of of professional inadequateness on the part of the young doctor.

UnNews was granted special access to patient interviews held in light of the scandal:

"It was shocking" said Mrs. Maurine Williams,a former patient of Dr. Dorian, "his behaviour was like something out of bad sitcom. His references to his personal life were both constant and embarrassing. Also, he often talked of situations that were both incredibly odd and almost childish in their impossibility."

Upon questioning many staff members revealed that the young doctor would at times display odd and sometimes disturbing behaviour: he was noted to "drift off" in conversation and look into the distance as if undergoing some type of hallucination. Theories of possible psychological upsets in the young man were further strengthened when Dr. Dorian himself admitted under questioning that he felt that the janitor was trying to "get him". Rumours regarding his personal life have plagued John Dorian since the inquest was opened, with allegations of affairs with several staff members lending no support to the defence of the accused. Chief of Staff at Sacred Heart, Dr. Bob Kelso, declined to comment on the predicament faced by his former employee, but UnNews managed to secure time with Dr Cox, close associate and alleged mentor to the now infamous young doctor. When asked if he would like to comment on the situation Dr. Perry Cox replied:

Another photo of Dr. John Dorian riding a scooter, neglecting his patients yet again, while much of the hospital staff watches. It's despicable.
Any other day I’d say no, but today I’m gonna go ahead and just say no!

The fate of John Dorian has now been decided by a council of his peers: he is to be stricken off the list of American Healthcare practitioners and then tortured. Repeatedly. At gunpoint (Sorry, I did mention that earlier didn't I?). Some groups have rallied around the accused and motioned that his actions not be viewed in such a harsh light, indicating instead that people should see the funny side of Dr. Dorian's actions. When asked about this matter, the chief prosecutor in the case was heard to comment:

Some have motioned that the actions and conduct of Doctor Dorian are a source of amusement, I personally think it appalling that anybody could laugh at such blatant disregard for patient welfare displayed by the horrifically unprofessional conduct on the part of Mr. Dorian. Also JD's mannerisms are just random incidents tied together by loose threads of association, and I think that is totally gay.

At the time of this story going to press John Dorian could not be found for comment, no doubt he's probably off feeding pizza to a stuffed dog in the bathroom of his downtown apartment while on the phone to his ex whom he has just slept with (again) after day dreaming about what it would be like to be the worlds tallest doctor... Probably.