UnNews:Hogwarts to stay in Scotland

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19 September 2014

The Salmond Beastie at the height of the battle.

HOGWARTS, Scotland -- There was dancing down the cloisters as top magic school 'Hogwarts' confirmed they had beaten something even more horrible than Lord Voldemort: The Salmond Beastie.

In an epic struggle that had pitched the exclusive magic school (annual fees including extra owls and wands: £90 million) against the blue-faced 'Nats' and the their gilmet-eyed allies, Hogwarts managed to beat them off and confirm they are staying in Scotland. Standing amongst the ruins of some buildings that had been damaged, Hogwarts' Magician-in-General, J.K.Rowling thanked everyone for taking part in the battle. In her clear English accent, Rowling praised all those who fell fighting against the Salmond Beastie.

'We beat the McBuggers! Our magic was stronger than their fairy tales of independence and golden beaches. Promisings of a Hogwarts full of deserving Muggles has been turned back. Let's get back to wizard work and make sure those Elfs are not slacking!'

The body of the Salmond Beastie is still lying outside Hogwarts' main gate. Rowling says they will have it cut up and distributed in the Christmas hampers this year. Plans to move Hogwarts to a theme park near London will be 'reviewed' if another Beastie returns.

Sources[edit]

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