UnNews:Hilary to escape?

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Tuesday, June 25, 2024, 06:44:59 (UTC)

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5 June 2008

Sen. Clinton. Magnetic destructo-ray not pictured.

USA, Today Following her defeat at the hands of her arch enemy, Hilary Clinton was reported to have situated herself in her escape pod, but has not yet confirmed that she will be ejecting the pod to safety.

"Clinton's base is in ruins" said some journalist guy, "For a while there, it was touch and go but since Obama escaped from the crocodile pond, it's all been downhill for the Clintons."'

"Last December, I wouldn't have believed that Obama would emerge victorious," said some academic guy. "The young senator seemed to lack the experience necessary to infiltrate the ClintonDome, overpower the Darkansas Guards and overload the radium furnace. Time has proven me wrong. The sudden loss of power to the Interns of Death robots and ClintTrooper cyborgs speaks for itself."

Clinton's husband, former US President Bill Clinton was unavailable for comment, as he was busy tying a young woman to the railway tracks, whilst cackling maniacally and occasionally twirling his moustache.

Senator Obama was magnanimous in victory, delivering Clinton an ironic salute before diving from the balcony of the ClintonDome into the Whitewater River below. There, he was picked up in a powerboat piloted by his wife, Michelle. The Obamas current whereabouts are unknown, as they refuse to answer communications from M.

Senator Barack Obama (D, IL) will be back in...