UnNews:Hell: We Won

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard

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UnNews

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Thursday, November 21, 2024, 18:51:59 (UTC)

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16 August 2006

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We won! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to tend to my minions. (Satan)

NINTH CIRCLE OF HELL, Hades - Following the cease fire agreement in Lebanon, the Dark Lord of the Underworld, Satan, declared the following in yet another televised interview.

"In every altercation with Hezbollah, Israel and Russia, my minions had the upper hand. Hezbollah, Israeli and Russian leaders went into hiding and are all lying. We will continue to hunt them down anytime, anywhere." In addition, Satan promised that his organization would advance efforts to put everyone in Hell over the next several decades.

We won! Now, look! I've got one thumb for each country! (Putin)

According to the Dark Lord, there were also shortcomings in managing the situation that would need to be examined. "We won't hide or sweep anything under the rug, but we won't be unnecessarily harsh. We do, however, have the luxury to wallow in arguments, though."

We won! Now, if you'll excuse me, I really have to take a shower. {Nasrallah)

He called for the Israeli, Hezbollah and Russian governments to fall to their knees and beg for their eternal souls from his minions.

We won! Now, if you'll excuse me, my colon has just prolapsed. (Olmert)

Satan made it clear that Hell absorbed absolutely no damages during the war (being underground), but added that "Hezbollah has made it clear to the world that it will not accept attacks on it, but from underneath is a different matter," adding that the UN Resolution will never result in a fundamental change in the situation along the Heavenly border.

Sources

• Mordillo, "UnNews:Israel: We Won". 03875, Aug. 15, 2006

• Mordillo, "UnNews:Hezbollah: We Won". 05873, Aug. 15, 2006

• Hawthorn Peebles, "UnNews:Russia: We won". 07583, Aug. 15, 2006