UnNews:Gun claims can't stop the Wall of Sound

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Tuesday, July 23, 2024, 05:35:59 (UTC)

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8 May 2007

Dianne Ogden, the anonymous female accuser

LOS ANGELES, California -- As predicted by prosecuting attorneys, another woman has stepped forward to level violent charges against famed producer, songwriter, and hunting enthusiast Phil Spector. The woman, who wishes to remain nameless in fear of Spector-related gang violence, claims that Phil became "demonic" after an industry party, and began "...shooting his gun off in the air like Yosemite Sam." These claims are being waged atop the already weighty murder charges which link Spector to the 2003 death of an actress, also in LA. Says Spector on the allegations: "What, me worry?"

Indeed, Phil Spector does not seem noticeably concerned with the charges. In the court room, Spector has been known to burst into song without provocation, and to have unbearable attacks of acoustic brilliance which his mind simply cannot contain. Spector's defense team has been going through legal pads by the truckload due to his incessant need to "let the juices flow, MAN!" Aside from his courtroom antics, Spector's detachment from reality is also apparent in the fact that his production workload is as busy as ever: before 2008, 25 Spector-produced albums will be released. "26 of 'em will be hits, too!" Phil claims as he bounces around wildly, vocalizing sounds akin to those of a Gregorian Chant.

Why, if I was 10 years younger and had an Uzi I'd box your ears, boy...

Spector's current female accuser asserts that she was made aware of Phil's weapon rather bluntly; "He asked me something like 'which one to you want me to shoot you with?' Then he pushed a button, the wall flipped over, and in front of my eyes appeared a panel of at least twenty loaded guns. This was NOT the Phil I know and love."

Neither this woman nor the previously murdered female are the first to become acquainted with Spector's gun collection. During the 60's and 70's, the producer's patented Wall of Sound production technique routinely employed threats of gun violence in order to achieve the highest possible sound quality. In fact, it is reported that a .45 caliber handgun was in plain view during the recordings of both You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feelin’, by the Righteous Brothers and River Deep - Mountain High, by Ike and Tina Turner (the latter, an already tumultuous session in its own right). George Harrison of Beatles fame was once quoted as saying "Phil is a seriously crazy motherfucker... but damn if he doesn't get the greatest sound outta his artists, man..."

Spector, who resumes his trial tomorrow, praises the proceedings: "They've really given me a chance to clear my head. I've already got over forty new songs written, and another dozen still waiting to be birthed into glory. These trips to the circus really allow me some quality alone time."