UnNews:Giant sinkhole in Orion swallows cosmos

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?

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UnNews

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Sunday, December 22, 2024, 01:11:59 (UTC)

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17 July 2010

Beginning of the sudden cosmic sinkhole in Orion, as captured by the Hubble telescope moments before the end

HEAVEN/HELL – Reporting from the limbo point in between heaven and hell, a leading visionary finally confirmed what most had already suspected: that the Earth along with the entire cosmos was swallowed by a colossal black sinkhole which suddenly appeared from nowhere in the constellation Orion.

"The sink hole appeared suddenly," Pete Sanctus, Sergeant-at-Arms of Nowhere International, said recently. "It was like a huge suction sound emanating from the direction of Orion, which just sucked in all the stars and planets, including our solar system, it was quite shocking!"

Most scientists thought there might be sinkholes in space, but until now, none have appeared to swallow the Earth. But the Orion sinkhole was an exception as it contained enough space to engulf the entire cosmos, including itself, thus rendering the creation inside out.

The sudden fall into oblivion caught everyone off guard. Not that there was any way to guard against such an insane phenomenon. News papers had no time to file the story, TV stations were caught flat footed, only FOX News made a passing reference to the unparalleled catastrophe before being swept into oblivion. This means that there is no one left to write the UnNews story. Everyone is gone.

"Except me. My name is Pete, but most people just call me Saint Peter, and I work the in between shift here at the Pearly Gates. So I saw the whole thing go down. I tell you, it was totally awesome. And then everything was dead silence. So I thought I better make some noise, just to keep the party going. And this message is the sound I’m vibrating. If you are able to hear or read this message, then I have the sorry task of informing you that, wherever you are, you’re totally screwed. Unless you're in here. And if you made it to Heaven then you must of used the back door.

"But don’t blame me! And don’t blame my boss either. Cause I tell you, God’s got better things to do than clean up spilled milk. He lets the maid handle vacuuming and cleaning. So, in the end you might blame the maid for the entire catastrophe. Now, what are you going to do about it, anyway?"

This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.