UnNews:Flatulant UK pensioner told to "put a cork in his arse".

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5 December 2007

Maurice Cox, pictured farting on a candle in 1865. The resultant fire killed 34.

FARTY-ARSE PENSIONER Maurice Fox has been told in no uncertain terms to reduce his "windy emmissions" or face expulsion from a Devon Social club. The club has asked the 77-year-old man to stop "blowing off" while indoors in response to three deaths in the space of a month.

Though toxicology tests are yet to be published all of the three victims are thought have displayed indications of sudden and acute methane poisoning before dropping dead. Mr Cox was "within feet" of each victim and was heard to emit a fart moments before.

Maurice Fox received a letter from Kirkham Street Sports and Social Club in Paignton asking him to consider the danger that he is putting his fellow club patrons in when "letting one go". It is thought that his taste for home-made curried yak may be a contribitory factor in the potency of his fart-gas.

Mr Fox, a club regular for 520 years, said: "There is no problem. I do get a bit windy after a good portion of curried yak but I'm sure those three that died were just a little over sensitive."

"You should come into my bedroom of a morning, all I can say is its a good job neither me or my wife smoke!"

In its letter to the retired bus driver, the club said: "After several deaths due to your your continual breaking of wind (farting) while in the club, would you please consider revising your diet and also the health and safety of fellow members and visitors. You sit close to the front door, so would you please either go outside when required or alternatively put a cork up your arse."

Mr Fox's son Clarence defended his father yesterday, "My father gassed Germans in World War I and this is the thanks he gets!"

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