UnNews:Egyptian military overthrow elected President to defend Democracy
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, December 21, 2024, 14:04:59 (UTC) |
| Egyptian military overthrow elected President to defend Democracy | 
|
5 July 2013
Cairo, EGYPT --
General Izzet Al-Oudh confirmed today that the Egyptian military had overthrown President Mohammed Morsi “to uphold the democratic rule cherished in our proud country for more than six months.” He went on to condemn Morsi for shamelessly exploited the mandate of the people to impose the manifesto on which he was elected.
“Mob-rule of this sort”, said General Al-Oudh, “is entirely un-Egyptian. We are a nation that demands consensus government. No policies should be pursued unless they have 100% backing from the rightful electorate. Morsi’s elected junta had 55% support at most. We have therefore restricted suffrage to those adult males with rank higher than Lieutenant Colonel. As a result the new government’s policies have the support of 100% of the electorate. Truly, this is a great day for democracy.”
Reports that bodies of high-ranking army officers known to support the opposition Democratic Jihad Party have been floating in the Nile were denied. “Any officers not supporting the coup d’etat would be weighted down with sand-bags and dropped into the Aswan Dam,” Al-Oudh claimed. “Not that there are any. Not any more, anyway.”
Opinion on the bazaar was mixed with some Egyptians strongly in favour of the change of government while others did not have automatic weaponry trained on them from the minaret of a local mosque.
Obelisk-inscriber, Yuliqa M'Diq, strongly supported the actions of General Al-Oudh. We Egyptians are rooted in age-old tradition and Morsi did nothing for us? How many pyramids did that phony commission, eh? Not a bloody one. We need Pharaohs. The sooner people are stripped down to their underwear and forced to haul blocks of limestone through the desert, the better. Either thousands of you haul the ropes in the same direction and at the same time or you get nowhere. That’s what I call popular consensus.
Sphinx-merchant Haid D’Salaami was less supportive: “Counter revolution? It’s a terrible idea. I was really bad at Maths at school and counting is already way to hard. If the government start dicking about with the numbers now I’m screwed. Why can’t we go back to the counting system of our fore-fathers "One, Two, a multitude of fleeing Israelites". Happy days!”