UnNews:Drug deal off, Obama takes credit

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6 April 2016

President Obama — seen here on Jeopardy! — enters a category for the first time and prepares to give (in the form of a question) the right answer, which would be another first.

NEW YORK CITY -- Another business deal has unraveled and President Obama has taken one of his signature "victory laps."

Ireland-based drug maker Allergan called off its plans to acquire U.S.-based tongue-twister Pfizer. The much larger Pfizer would disappear and all of its assets that are not nailed down would suddenly pop up somewhere near Dublin. They would no longer pay the U.S. top business tax rate of 35% but instead Ireland's 12½%. The combined company would not be subject to the unusual U.S. policy of taxing money made elsewhere, provided that the money remained safely elsewhere.

American restaurant chains such as Wendy's have been disappearing and turning up in Canada, whose business taxes are also lower, but analysts explain these moves as a result of Canada's horrible food. By comparison, experts claim that drugs in Ireland are great, and as potent as those in the U.S.

Reuters calls the cancellation of the Pfizer deal a "big win" for Mr. Obama, who has said that high taxes are not a problem but avoiding them is. He has stated that, "If you like your huge pharmaceutical companies, you'll be able to keep them. Period." On Tuesday, he called on Congress to pass a law to keep them at home, so that he doesn't have to keep doing so outside the law. Congress, however, is busy with a plan to draft all new laws from northern Mexico and conduct constituent service through a Pakistani call center.

The new Treasury rules did not target Pfizer but serial acquirers like Allergan, which is about to close on a deal to buy Israel and a conglomerate of small, landlocked African nations. Sources said the companies declined to tweak their agreement to get around the new rules out of fear that the government would craft newer rules, which would be even more wasteful. Pfizer owes Allergan $150,000,000 to compensate it for its costs in the failed merger. The money will be wired out of the U.S., but this will not raise the price of any Pfizer medication.

Mr. Obama's stated goals of wiping out mining, fracking, and the oil and gas industries have been delayed, though he is well on his way to wiping out health care. The opposition Republican Party had no comment, as it is busy wiping out several candidates, through secret changes to Rule 40(b) for the Nominating Convention. Leading candidate Donald Trump has claimed that Mr. Obama's own rule changes are not the problem, but rather, the existence of foreigners is. He was especially annoyed that Ford Motor Company announced a new plant to make small cars in San Luis Potosí, though everyone knows that St. Louis is in eastern Missouri. Mr. Trump has proposed high walls, 45% tariffs, and serial insults to eliminate international trade as a divisive issue.

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