UnNews:Deflategate rocks New England Patriots world

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Where man always bites dog UnNews Tuesday, July 23, 2024, 22:15:59 (UTC)

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2 September 2015

Poor Tom is in all sorts of trouble.

BOSTON, Massachusetts -- New England Patriots star player Tom Brady will get his judgement this Friday as to whether he will have to sit out 4 games for cheating accusations. Ball handlers for the team are alleged to have "performed acts which were actively aimed at deflating the egos of opposing team members during said football game". Mr. Brady is accused of colluding with his ball handlers in perpetrating this crime.

It is alleged that during critical plays, key players of the opposition were texted messages such as, "Hey, ur dog died. HA HA", and "ima doin ur mom wile we watch u playing suck. he! suc it!". These bogus messages were meant to demoralize and deflate the egos of the players and give the Patriots an unfair edge.

Mr. Brady would stand to lose $7.7 million, were the sentence of guilty to be handed down. His ball handlers would be barred from handling his or any others' balls for 3 years. These men would stand to lose $58,000, were they to be penalized by the NFL.

Ball handlers and other crew for the team escaped the purview of the legal system because they are considered pieces of crap who can be replaced on a whim. It is only the insanely strong, undying love for the Patriots that keeps the queues full for these positions.

Sources[edit]

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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.