UnNews:Christ saves boring church party

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Where man always bites dog UnNews Saturday, June 10, 2023, 17:47:59 (UTC)

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3 April 2023

As Jesus always said: "Books are for nerds."

THOMASTON, Connecticut -- A church party at St. Thomas Church, dubbed "boring" and "lame" by attendees who left early, was apparently saved after Jesus arrived and doubled the wine supply.

"We had something happen," Father Joseph Crowley recalled. "What happened is our Lord, God bless him, allowed us to get drunk."

"A very cool miracle," Jean Beck, a known partygoer at the church, said of the event. "Who doesn't like getting shit-faced, then kissing a vicar?"

The Archdiocese of Hartford, who was not invited to the party, is now investigating the incident, claiming that this could be one of many signs that Christ may return soon for the ultimate party.

"Jesus was always said to be the life of the party," the Archdiocese told sources. "This just proves that, if he sees a boring, lame ass party, it is his duty to step in and unleash good times upon us all. I just wish I were there to witness it..."

With this, many believers are flocking to Thomaston in hopes that Jesus will resurrect himself for a second time and throw a banger of a party, complete with good music and heaps of hot babes.

However, skeptics are claiming that the whole thing was made up, as the church didn't want to let it slip that they threw a boring party in which only two people participated in the conga line, and that all of the flirting was done by the priests to the underage choir members.