UnNews:Christ saves boring church party
| Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Thursday, November 21, 2024, 11:29:59 (UTC) |
| Christ saves boring church party | 
|
3 April 2023
THOMASTON, Connecticut -- A church party at St. Thomas Church, dubbed "boring" and "lame" by attendees who left early, was apparently saved after Jesus arrived and doubled the wine supply.
"We had something happen," Father Joseph Crowley recalled. "What happened is our Lord, God bless him, allowed us to get drunk."
"A very cool miracle," Jean Beck, a known partygoer at the church, said of the event. "Who doesn't like getting shit-faced, then kissing a vicar?"
The Archdiocese of Hartford, who was not invited to the party, is now investigating the incident, claiming that this could be one of many signs that Christ may return soon for the ultimate party.
"Jesus was always said to be the life of the party," the Archdiocese told sources. "This just proves that, if he sees a boring, lame ass party, it is his duty to step in and unleash good times upon us all. I just wish I were there to witness it..."
With this, many believers are flocking to Thomaston in hopes that Jesus will resurrect himself for a second time and throw a banger of a party, complete with good music and heaps of hot babes.
However, skeptics are claiming that the whole thing was made up, as the church didn't want to let it slip that they threw a boring party in which only two people participated in the conga line, and that all of the flirting was done by the priests to the underage choir members.
Sources[edit]
- Emma James "Connecticut priest chokes back tears as he claims parishioner witnessed a MIRACLE". Daily Mail, March 30, 2023
- Matt Caron "Faithful flock to Thomaston following apparent miracle investigated by the Catholic church". Fox 61, March 29, 2023
- Snejana Farberov "Connecticut priest reports possible miracle involving multiplying Communion hosts". New York Post, March 29, 2023