UnNews:Cabbie mistaken for Bush at White House press conference

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16 May 2006

Washington, DC-- A stunned George Bush watched backstage last night as a black taxi driver, whom an aide had apparently mistaken for the president, addressed the nation and fielded questions from the press.

Jamal "Chance" Gardner, 34, drove up to the front gate of the White House at 8:55 P.M. E.S.T. in order to pick up an unidentified intern on his way home. But he picked up more than he bargained for when John Tohu-Bohu, a White House press liason, poked his head through the window and said, "There you are. Where were you? Hurry, you're on in five minutes," and whisked the bewildered Mr. Gardner inside, where staffers threw a suit on him and applied makeup. At 9:00 P.M., Mr. Tohu-Bohu handed him a speech and hustled him to the podium.

Mr. Gardner sped through the speech, which announced the imminent invasion of Brazil, with less difficulty than Mr. Bush normally exhibits. But when the press corps began raising their hands and shouting "Mr. President, Mr. President," the cabbie, realizing they apparently meant him, appeared momentarily flustered. Nevertheless, he soon relaxed into the role and answered reporters' questions with ease. An excerpt from the press conference transcript follows:

Mr. Tohu-Bohu: The President will now take questions from the press.

Reporters: Mr. President! Mr. President!

Mr. Gardner: (face of horror)

Reporter 1: Mr. President, why Brazil and why now?

Mr. Gardner: Um...uh...Well, Brazil you know, it's a big country, brother. Very big. Lots of drugs, lots of crime, lots of, you know, naked women and f*gs.

Reporter 2: So wait, is this a war on drugs, organized crime, pornography or threats to the definition of marriage?

Mr. Gardner: Yeah.

Reporter 3: But how can you justify this campaign when our military is already stretched to capacity in Afghanistan and Iraq?

Mr. Gardner: Look, I don't need to justify nothin', sister. America is, you know, the greatest country in the world. Thank you and Jesus bless America.

Reporters: (cheers and applause)

According to a White House aide who asked not to be identified, Mr. Tohu-Bohu apparently did not realize his error until he escorted Mr. Gardner backstage, where he came face to face with a livid Mr. Bush. The president demanded to go immediately on the air himself, but his aides told him he had an urgent meeting with Sheikh Yerbouti of Saudi Arabia and dragged him there with the help of the Secret Service.

Queried later by reporters, Mr. Gardner had no regrets about the mishap and how he had handled it. "The White House, man, what a bitchin' crib. Glad I got to see it. Wonder who pimps the president's ride?"