UnNews:CDC Warning: Flipping off pandemic

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18 November 2017

Jesus jumps on the band wagon, and says, "I love you and fuck off."
The rare Bush bird is once again spotted.

Warning: A Flipping off Pandemic Today Could Kill As Many As 180 Million Assholes


WHO--AMSTERDAM, Netherlands

The number of dead in a modern pandemic could range from 69 million to 180 million. To estimate the death toll if a pandemic struck today, apply each country's 1918 death rate to its 2024 projected population of assholes. The figure sets a plausible upper limit on deaths from similar hand gestures. Researchers do not know, however, if the assholes that cause the next pandemic will be more or less deadly than one previously predicted. Many conspiracy theorists point their finger to a so-called world war, suggesting to researchers that it may be particularly deadly.

The Morgan Stanley group, not to be confused with Morgan Freeman, found that a country's income is the biggest predictor of its death toll. The fraction of additional deaths per year varied widely between locations, from 20 percent in Denmark to 0.2 percent in central India. However, with India's ever increasing market now competing with China, there are many more assholes now in India than ever before. A not too surprising fraction of the amount of variation in the death rate is explained by one single variable--namely, income per capita.

Obama: "Seriously?"
UnNews: We are sorry, really, sorry.

Current strategies for pandemic flipping-off preparedness include skydiving, sex therapy and twelve-step programs to treat heavy drinking, which can set in after flipping-off episodes. Unfortunately, most of those things will not reach the lowest income groups or even most middle-income groups, which need it most since middle-income groups always get screwed the most. "Accelerating the introduction of new breast plastic surgery techniques to the developing world might help," says the director of the CDC, "because ya know, everyone likes boobs." England's Institute of Medicine is studying whether other steps such as water boarding and travel bans might also cut deaths.

Worried? You should be. If anything, the new estimate may be optimistic, unless you are an asshole.

Facebook's half-assed attempt at solving a problem.

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