UnNews:British lottery ticket prices rise to £2

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

We distort, you deride UnNews Monday, July 22, 2024, 09:32:59 (UTC)

British lottery ticket prices rise to £2 UnNews Logo Potato.png

21 January 2013

A typical British Labour MP (left), a Siamese twin whose brother is employed as a drunkard.

LONDON, England -- In a controversial move, the price of British lottery tickets is set to double to £2.

Camelot, the company that runs the national lottery, says the ticket price increase will be offset by higher prize money. However, many British citizens disagree. 'I'm on a fixed income, and can't afford £2 for a lottery ticket,' said Eliza Doolittle, a British pensioner. 'In fact, I can barely afford to buy ten £1 lottery tickets. If this price increase is not retracted, I might have to stop playing the lottery altogether.'

Other working-class folk shared this sentiment. 'These are hard times for Britain's working class,' said Nigel Golddigger, an unemployed coal miner. 'Many people are unemployed, and forced to choose between food and lottery tickets. Now is not the time to be raising prices on important items like lottery tickets. I currently have a system which consists playing the same 15 numbers every time. To keep that system going with £2 lottery tickets, my family would need to eat beans on toast 4 times a week, rather than two.'

'The lottery is basically a tax on the poor,' said Prince Charles. 'British legislation legally defines the lottery as a voluntary tax. It is a well-known fact that poor people tend to spend a greater proportion of their income on the lottery than my friends, the upper classes. Therefore, the lottery is nothing more than a regressive tax on Britain's poor. Some Tories may assert that the lottery is in fact a tax on financially unwise people. However, such Tories readily admit that financially unwise people tend to be poor.'

'In fact, I suspect that the immigrants, Scots, the Welsh, and the elderly also send a disproportionally high percentage of their income on the lottery,' piped in Reginald Cannibal, a chimneysweep. 'If that is true, then the lottery ticket price hike is also insensitive to minorities, and possibly outright factist, ah, I mean racist. In fact, it would not be too bold to say that the cost of lottery tickets is the most important issue affecting Britain's working class, except for chimney dust.'