UnNews:Boris Caesar survives assassination attempt

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Saturday, June 25, 2022, 15:55:59 (UTC)

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7 June 2022

Boris Caesar survives a knifing.

ANCIENT LONDON, Britannia -- Boris Caesar survived an attempt to kill him during a rare visit to the Palace of Westminster. The suspicious ruler (under Goddess Liz, Longer May She Reign) was attacked by his own courtiers, chanting 'Here's your surprise birthday party'. However, none of the many knife wounds penetrated his deep blubber to make the attack fatal.

Boris Caesar had been under pressure for holding parties whilst ordering all his subjects to cower alone behind bolted doors when plague struck the realm. Instead of sacrificing goats or declaring war on Gaul, Boris Caesar had listened to foreign witch doctors, who injected the populace with a compulsory cold. His supporters feared that others would depose Boris Caesar for this, so they took the initiative to do it first. They failed. Johnson's allies will now purge their enemies 'inside and out'.

'This was a plot by anti-Brexit forces unhappy that we left the Roman Empire,' said Boris Caesar. 'Now they will face my utter wrath, this time without any jokes or wild stabs at humour.'

Surviving enemies of Boris Caesar say they will try again to kill the blond beast — but this time with 'swords rather than just knives'.