UnNews:Bombings on South Carolina force thousands below ground

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 15:35:59 (UTC)
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1 April 2007

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SOUTH CAROLINA, USA — As the rest of the world watches in horror the Arab terrorists that you've heard so much about sent three or so nuclear bombs to terroize the South Carolina coastline. Millions of citizens are forced into underground shelters with no Internet access.

While not the actual bomber, this is clearly a frightening image.

The U.S. government is mobilizing an effort to blow up the APR-01 nukes while harmlessly over the ocean. President calls attacks "a darn shame." Nukes are expected to make landfall at oh-now-hundred hours on the first of April.

The shelters are described by citizens to be "dark" and "dank". The residents of South Carolina can be seen from space as they gather as many personal belongings as they can fit into a bowler hat and rushing into the shelters. "It really is quite shocking down here", Rob Rainer (who wishes to remain anonymous) said. "Even Disneyland wasn't as bad as this." Rainer was later shot for trademark infringment.

It is believed that all South Carolina residents will be able to fit into the shelters, but how long they will be able to stay down there remains a mystery. "We're hoping we can be out by April 3rd," some random Australian said. "If it takes longer, there's an Aldi down here, but nobody really wants to go there. Personally, I'd rather die."

It is believed that although the shelters can withstand the initial blast, the effect of radioactive fallout is uncertain. Whilst the top of the range Cardboardium Alloys were used, they have been known to leak radioactive substance, even when there is no radioactive substance present.

United States chief security advisor John Doe has expressed rage at these attacks. "The least they could do is give us warning. This just shows how inconsiderate the Faux network is. It's not like every day there are re-runs of- Wait, what? What about missiles? Oh, that doesn't sound good."

Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad has announced that they had very little to do with the missiles. The blame has been shifted amongst various contries, but none seem to have a specific raisin for attacking. "I think somebody just spilled Mountain Dew on our servers," said a particular no-armed whitey.

Australians flying into South Carolina have been warned to turn away or face extinction. No other nationalities have been warned; this has been said to be due to the fact that "Australians just sound funny".

Surprisingly, your mom had very little to say on the matter.

The British government claimed that the Americans had escalated the crisis by taking the matter to the U.N. Security Council rather than resolving it on a bilateral basis. Nobody really knew what this meant, so they were simply laughed off the stage.

Conspericy theorists have said that this is only the beginning. "You never know what those wacky South Koreans will get up to next. Today it's South Carolina, tomorrow it's Mars. Get my point?" Luckily, nobody cares.

It is unknown as to whether anybody will take any action at all against anything at anytime. The vice president had this to say: "we have emergency procedures for this sort of thing. However, just last month, a homeless man came and stole them all. Well, what did you expect us to do? We weren't trained on dealing with homeless men."

As the hour of impact draws near, some South Carolinians have been accused of taking advantage of the situation for profit. Shirts, coffee cups, bath towels, miniature frisbees and Monopoly games are now available celebrating the attack. "What happens in the shelter, stays in the shelter," Sir Obviously Real proudly stated. "Now if you'll excuse me, I must bend over and pick up this bar of soap which I just happened to drop."

Apart from there being no Internet access in the shelters, there will also be no reception for phones, laptops, televisions, refridgerators, monkeys and insane death-bringing robots. Martial law was promptly declared, and all but 100% of the population was dead within seconds.

"I question how somebody could write an article on this," stated a generic crazy fan. "It all seems legally questionable to me. I mean, wars are great and all, but something smells a little fishy." A surprisingly short man quickly whisked the crazy fan away with the assistance of chloroform.

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