UnNews:Biden and Sanders dead, Tulsi wins
| Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? | ✪ | UnNews | ✪ | Saturday, December 21, 2024, 17:18:59 (UTC) |
| Biden and Sanders dead, Tulsi wins | 
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17 March 2020
WASHINGTON, D.C. -- Following the Coronavirus deaths of Democratic Party candidates Joe Biden and Bernie Sanders, Tulsi Gabbard has been named the Democratic Nominee for the 2020 US Federal Election. Despite polling at less than 2% in the Democratic Primaries, Gabbard is the only remaining candidate.
Ms. Gabbard was informed of her nomination as she exited The Walter Reed Army Medical Center, where she received treatment for an injured arm. Desperate to gain public attention for her flagging campaign, Gabbard has been attempting increasingly strenuous publicity stunts, culminating in yesterday's bite injury during an alligator-fight. The news was delivered by Democratic Party Chairperson Tom Perez. "Tulsi Gabbard, I hereby name you Presidential Nominee for the Democratic Party." Under his breath, he added, "God, I hate you."
Gabbard responded, "Hubba... wuzza? I'm the what? What about Bernie and the other guy? What's his name? The greasy-looking guy?"
Visibly restraining indignation and fury, Perez said, "They died this morning. They were both old men with heart conditions and COVID-19 turned their insides into smelly jelly. You're the only one left." Continuing, he said, "I hate your ugly suit-jackets."
Hyperventilating, Gabbard sat on a nearby curb. "What the fuck am I going to do now?! I was only running so I could get a job at FOX News. Tom! You gotta get me out of this!" Gabbard was then mobbed by her jubilant followers: twelve bearded schizoids wearing tinted eyeglasses.
Gabbard's campaign has been frought with difficulty. In the few instances that Democrats have heard of her, it is because she made them mad. She upset party faithful by speaking to people who are not Democrats, such as Joe Rogan, FOX News, and people who wear camouflage. This tactic was slammed by Hillary Clinton as "a cheap ploy to appeal to voters beyond the Democratic base of retired teachers". Observers believed the final nail in her campaign's coffin was her controversial decision to vote "present" in the House of Representatives' vote to impeach Donald Trump, a move which The New York Times denounced as "independent thinking." Since then, commentators have accused Gabbard of working for the Russians, being a Hindu extremist, being anti-LGBTQ2etc, plotting to run as a third party candidate, and being the ancient Levantine child-eating god Molek.
Gabbard also has little appeal with the Party's youth contingent. In a recent poll conducted among young Democrats, 1% indicated they would vote for Gabbard in November, while 92% indicated that they would prefer to vote for a theoretical Hindu woman of color who has never said anything upsetting, and will therefore spend Election night vaping and complaining about The Patriarchy instead of voting. A further 7% indicated that they would intersectionalize the gaslighting, whatever that means.
In the hours since Gabbard's confirmation, congratulations and criticisms have poured in from across the globe.
“Praise Allah! At last my best friend Tulsi has triumphed over the infidels of the Democratic Party. When I see her next time, we shall celebrating by eating the ice cream and re-watching the entire series of the Gilmore Girls. Except for bullshit Season Seven when they fire Amy Sherman-Palladino!”
“I haven't had time to make up a good nickname for her yet. Let's see... Vishnu? Splotchy? Two-timin' Tulsi?.. Don't worry, I'll think of one! It'll be the best nickname ever!”
“She's a socialist, a Hindu, and a woman. But she's also pretty. My black heart says, "no", but my penis says, "yes". God, I'm so confused.”
“I'll burn in hell before I see that lying dog-faced pony-soldier elected! Is there any way I can vote for the other dead guy?”
“She's fat. All women are fat.”
“Blllllarrrrgh! Huah! Huuuuuargh!”
“Hi, sorry, is Bashi again. I must tell you about my favorite episode of Gilmore Girls! Is Season 2, Episode 5, when Luke pushes Jess in the lake! I show this episode to Tulsi when she visit me in 2017 and she laugh so hard that Coca-Cola flows from her nose!”
Tulsi Gabbard's nomination marks the first time a Hindu woman of color has been nominated as a candidate in the United States. It also marks the first time that both the Democratic and Republican candidates have been Russian assets. Gabbard's only official press communique has been to peep from behind a podium and tell reporters to go away.
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This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent. |