UnNews:Bank of America won't lend a hand

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? ✪ UnNews ✪ Sunday, December 22, 2024, 06:38:59 (UTC)
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8 September 2009
Tampa, Florida – A man with a check to cash deliberately tried to circumvent the policies that Bank of America had in place to combat fraud. He deliberately had himself born with no arms, then tried to cash that check with no thumbprint. He also mocked the manager, pointing out that he had two forms of ID which met the qualifications of opening an account – but that he wanted those IDs to serve in place of his arms.

Bank of America manager Phil Ashio wasn’t falling for it, though. “We get this all the time, some crippled vet, gimp or tard coming in to scam us. But our bank is for whole people, not losers who want to flaunt their ‘handicapableness’. If they’re so ‘handicapable’, why don’t they follow the rules, or stay home and send a real person, instead of coming out in public making all of us sick?”

Teller Connie Lingus agreed. “These mutants, like, come in here, like, all wanting to have the services we, like, provide to normal people. Even though they, like, probably lost their limbs while bombing villages or being dumb at work. Or maybe just having parents who, like, smoked crack. But our manager says we don’t have to serve their kind.”

Vice President in charge of Public Relations Art Fuliar has released a token apology, so as to try and avoid yet another pesky lawsuit that would compel them to comply with the Americans with Disabilities Act (NAMBLA). He claims that of course their policies are in compliance, but that they will “underscore” such with their managers. As to releasing those policies, he doesn’t feel that’s appropriate at this time, primarily for his secretary still waiting for the ink to dry on them.

Meanwhile, the policy of denying services to deaf/mutes is still in effect, as such refuse to speak in a clear fashion as to what transaction they wish to engage in. “Have you, like, ever heard one of them grunt and yowl? Or, like, expect you to read some silly note?”, said Connie. “It’s disgusting.”

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