UnNews:Baggins Family to Be Charged With Grand Theft

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Every time you think, you weaken the nation —Moe Howard UnNews Sunday, November 28, 2021, 21:22:59 (UTC)

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23 January 2007

This scandal has divided the hobbits of Shire largely along genealogical lines, with Harfoots and Fallohides saying the Bagginses are innocent, and Stoors siding with Gollum

Bag End, Hobbiton, THE SHIRE - Seven members of the Undying Lands Police Department, based at the Two Trees of the Valar, arrested Frodo Baggins and his first cousin once removed, Bilbo Baggins, early this morning and charged them both with grand larceny. Shortly thereafter, the two were extradited to Hobbiton in the Shire, where they were residents when the alleged crime was committed. This comes shortly after a formal complaint of theft was filed against them.

A complaint filed by one Sméagol Gollum, alleges that the elder Baggins entered his home in the Misty Mountains and stole "the precious", which is a priceless piece of jewelry. Mr. Gollum also alleges that one Frodo Baggins, Bilbo's younger cousin, later took possession of the ring, knowing that it was a stolen item. This Frodo also made an agreement to treat Gollum kindly in return for guidance to Mordor; Gollum states that Frodo broke his word by allowing the Rangers of Faramir to capture him and destroying "the precious". Frodo counters these allegations, saying the destruction of the One Ring was not mentioned in the contract and cites Gollum's dubious honesty with the fact that Gollum was an accomplice in one Shelob's assault and attempted murder in the Mountains of Shadow during the same trip to Mordor.

An investigation by ULPD has found that the ring has been destroyed, thus monetary compensation will probably have to be made in this situation. In addition to the compensation, a conviction is sure to bring about a harsh sentence, as both Baggins men have multiple past transgressions.

When asked about the incident this morning, Mr. Gollum had this to say: "Hobbitses is thieving. These the only thieving Hobbitses we know. Filthy thieving Hobbits! They stole my precious! DESTROYED MY PRECIOUS. Thinks they destroyed us in Mordor, but Orcses saves us. Sue them we will, those filthy Hobbitses."

Arrested (elsewhere) and also charged in the incident for their alleged participation in the ring's destruction were Samwise Gamgee, who "emotionally abused" Mr. Gollum; Gandalf the White; King Elessar of the Reunited Realm of Arnor and Gondor (formerly known as Aragorn, son of Arathorn); Legolas, Son of Thranduil; Meriadoc Brandybuck; Peregrin Took; Faramir, Son of Denethor; and Gimli, Son of Glóin.