UnNews:BBC to forecast "doom and gloom" for the next 20 years

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13 August 2008

This is as good as it gets.

BBC planning to forecast doom and gloom for the next 20 years.

LONDON -- England. If you have been watching the BBC news for the past 50 years, well more realistically, the past month or so (although it seems like fifty years), you will know that the BBC has took it upon itself to tell us that all is not well with the economic world, and will certainly not be well for the next year. Rather than script two efficient broadcasts which gave a complete lowdown of the situation, the BBC instead prefer to pepper the British public with daily darts of economic defeatism, as they remain convinced that the public at large are incapable of happiness or of finding their way out of the situation.

The BBC announced today that it plans on broadcasting news items which forecast economic gloom for the next 20 years, irrespective of current economic indicators. A chief executive said "We've always been a big believer in taking a current situation, blowing it out of proportion, making lots of money out of it and sprinkling it off with some classic British defeatism. And then really hammering it home. While I'm at it, I might mention that, we're going to lose to Korea at the Olympics, our own 2012 Olympics will be a disaster and Gordon Brown will be prime minister for the next 10 years."

One communications expert said, "This strategy of ours will look at how happy the British people will look over the twenty years, an important economic indicator, and we will adjust our frequency of bad news broadcast accordingly - rather than pay attention to things like inflation, employment figures, GDP; the sort of things that only sad, lonely accountants can be bothered to look at."

Indeed, one economics correspondent for the BBC, with a first in economics from Oxford, was fired for simply suggesting: "Things might look up - it isn't as bad as 1929, put it that way". She was dismissed instantly, with the BBC refusing to pay out the rest of her contract. The reason they gave to the incensed expert was: "Oh, the economic prophets hath spoken, and ye filthy lucre will be of little use for the next twenty years!" In her place, a manic-depressive who dabbles in horoscopes was appointed, as this was more in line with the "current image and strategy of the BBC".


  • The BBC has asked that I do not include any sources in this article, as sources would be a sign of knowledge and erudition, a positive virtue, and this would interfere with the BBC's prediction that "We Know Nothing (Except The Fact That It's Going To Be Bad)".