UnNews:Automobile to single-handedly demasculinize the U.S.A.

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9 February 2007


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The infamous car, viewed under an electron microscope.

LENINGRAD, Kalifornia -- Once again, Europe is in cahoots with San Francisco to make America less manly; this time the sinister weapon they have chosen is a two-person vehicle. In a sinister use of sinister leftist wordplay, it has been named the "Fortwo." This disgustingly practical city car gets about 40 miles per gallon of fuel, which in its native homeland is something like 264.1 kilograms per 12 degrees Celsius, or in layman's terms "light enough for a smelly Frenchman to roll over and torch". Also, its fuel is soybeans, instead of oil and huffed kittens.

Real Americans™ are appalled by this recent attack on traditional values, namely, the Freedom™ to drive vehicles that put hair on a man's chest by means of carbon dioxide emissions alone. As one faceless but well-groomed oil company executive put it, "America will only benefit from continued purchase of gasoline in absurd quantities, and our prices will improve the economy via the trickle-down effect." Clearly, the economic wisdom of this statement just doesn't appeal to Europeans and their political minions in America.

Cunningly crafted to appeal to the many American men who have surrendered to the forces of reason at the expense of their masculinity, the Fortwo has the driver's seat on the left (the way God intended), and an increased cabin and trunk size compared to previous versions. These minor changes do nothing to alleviate the fact that the Fortwo is a car for Unamerican wuss-faces.

President Bush was involved in his recent endeavor to read a book, and was unavailable for comment. But we're sure he would have said something profound and patriotic. His political aide Jar Jar Binks declined to comment and prefer to wait for Bush to make personal statements. But that isn't going to happen until Bush knows how to spell "automobile".

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