UnNews:Attention-grabbing news item causes blackouts, addictions

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Democracy Dies with Dignity UnNews Friday, December 3, 2021, 20:25:59 (UTC)

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3 March 2008

"I don't want it, I just need it, to feel, to breath, to know I'm alive."

Olipro's Thong, Olipro The latest in a series of intense news reports to rock the nation, today's headline, also known as "slammer" to the paparazzi, has been copied and illegally distributed to disadvantaged people around the world.

Already besieged by attention deficit disorder, many have lost consciousness after reading the headline, as it's effects are reportedly similar to having all of your thoughts re-directed to a controversial pastiche of colorful, babbling, opinionated gibbons. "I can't even remember what it said, " news addict Elmo sobbed, cradling his head in his fuzzy red hands, "but I want to read it again and again. It takes me away from the problems in my life. It's a sickness, I know."

News labs have sprung up across the country today, milking the phenomena for it's sedative effects, in some cases combining the headline with other substances such as MDMA to "tailor" the experience. This causes some readers to jump up and start dancing before they black out. Some members of the press, remaining anonymous, were cautionary. "Sure, at first your eyes bug out of your head, you start hyperventilating- then begin drafting a letter to your member of congress- but really, when you pass out, it's no different than standard auto-erotic asphyxiation. Remember to put a pillow down so you don't bang your precious little brain. We're not finished programming it yet."

Concerned readers are encouraged to call 911 if they experience a strange compulsion to call 911 while reading the news.