UnNews:5G "right around the corner"

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23 October 2016

This cardboard mock-up of a miracle new cellphone chip is perfect for staying in constant contact with one of the world's cardboard mock-ups of a 5G cell tower.

HANGUL, South Korea -- The long wait for 5G cellphone technology will end in February 2018, as a demonstration is rolled out during the Winter Olympics here.

Qualcomm has launched the world's first 5G chip. Engineers report that samples of the X50 Snapdragon perform perfectly, or would, if there were any 5G wireless networks. The chip will be ideal for cellphones and home wireless routers, subject to the same modest limitation.

The 2018 rollout was selected because Koreans seem to have an infatuation for miniaturized gadgets, as well as an endemic inability to tell that they are not working correctly. Thus they will flock to a new generation of cellphone and will have no problem pretending that there is someone on the "other end."

The 5G technology will be ten times faster than Google Fiber. This means that tinny, inaudible conversations can be sent and received as WAV files using full 32-bit resolution. Remote-control surgery and self-driving cars will be possible using the speed of 5G. An off-the-shelf cellphone will not be able to perform an emergency vasectomy, which is sometimes crucial before a big date. But Walmart is planning to include, in its $14.98 Tracfone, a fingernail trimmer that uses artificial intelligence.