UnNews:'Ethical' Metroid lines created

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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother? UnNews Tuesday, June 18, 2024, 19:32:59 (UTC)

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23 August 2006

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Aren't they just adorable before they start sucking out your life energy?

BRINSTAR METROID LABORATORY, Planet Zebes -- Metroid lines which do not break out of their test tubes and wreak havoc upon their Pirate creators have been created, according to researchers. A Zebes team created Metroid lines by removing single cells from embryos, a process that left them intact, they report in the journal Galactic Piracy Today. At present, growing this type of Metroid results in widespread destruction and virtual eradication of all planetary life. The researchers say their findings may remove some of the ethical barriers to this field and provide a way of bypassing the nefarious schemes of one Samus Aran.

In 20X1, President Bush declared Federation funding would only be available for research using the 6 metroid lines already in existence, where a "life or death decision had already been made." This meant that no new lines could be created without risking the wrath of Federation troops and Samus Aran. Scientists believe metroids may one day help to combat a range of races, such as humans or luminoth, or to wipe out the Chozo once and for all.