UnNews:"Fake-but-accurate" poll says Trump winning

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Jump to navigation Jump to search

We distort, you deride UnNews Monday, November 29, 2021, 19:59:59 (UTC)

"Fake-but-accurate" poll says Trump winning UnNews Logo Potato.png

28 October 2020

Trump's economic advisor Larry Kudlow stressed that he was right all along to insist that his boss's campaign was not necessarily doomed.

TRAFALGAR SQUARE, England -- A political poll notorious for bucking the pack and going its own way shows President Donald Trump pulling into a slight lead in the key Keystone State of Pennsylvania.

The Trafalgar Poll shows 48% going for Trump, the Republican, compared to 47% for Democratic challenger Joe Biden, and 2% for Libertarian Jo Jorgenson. (The totals do not add up due to rounding the corner to the cafeteria rather than staying at the desk to check the math.) Trump's lead is well within the Margin of Theft, and Jorgenson's sliver is hefty enough that both major-party candidates are likely to send her a delegation asking her whether she is "just kidding."

Trafalgar believes that the major candidates are both so loathsome that poll respondents may be hesitant to state their preferences to a total stranger who will have no trouble finding out where they live and work. Thus, Trafalgar's specialty is to ask respondents questions other than for whom they are voting. Pollsters ask how the respondent believes his neighbors and coworkers are voting, and proxy questions such as how many golf carts he owns and how his hemorrhoids are doing today. Reporting the answers without ever asking the questions makes the poll unique and uncannily likely to be different from all the others.

As its name implies, the Trafalgar Poll originates in London, and is supervised and taken by personnel who know nothing about the United States beyond its dialing code. Trafalgar believes that Americans receiving a call with a foreign accent that sounds as though the pollster is inside a toilet bowl will be even more willing to respond without fear of having anyone's tires slashed.