UnNews:"Cash for Clunkers" to end, American car makers overjoyed

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Straight talk, from straight faces ✪ UnNews ✪ Thursday, November 21, 2024, 12:01:59 (UTC)
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21 August 2009

"Why would you want to keep this piece of crap, anyway?"

After spending nearly $3 billion on "Cash for Clunkers", the government has announced that they will be ending the popular program on Monday. American car makers across the country have planned celebrations to follow the closing.

"This whole program has just been one big failure from the start," says Ford spokesman John Limbaugh. "We lost more money on this program than FOX did on Family Guy."

Americans across the country have been turning their old cars (or "clunkers") in to car dealerships and receiving rebates of $3,500 or $4,500, depending on the make and state of their clunkers. However, just as Obama planned it most of these buyers have spent their rebates on foreign cars, which means that this asshole is sending money out of the country American car companies are making little to no profit from this program. In fact, after seeing the losses from the Cash for Clunkers rebates, Chrysler CEO Robert Wilde, 48, shot his wife and son shortly before hanging himself in his closet with a belt. "I can't live with this," he wrote in his suicide note. "Now I know why we didn't elect a black man for two hundred and fifty years".

And American car companies aren't the only ones who have suffered from the program. Old people and post-grads will also be feeling the stinging effects as prices of clunkers rise from the diminishing supply. "How can I buy a car from the good ol' days now that that Negro president took them all off the streets?", says Randy Groves, 83. He and his fellow retirees at Shady Acres Funeral Home in San Antonio, California have recently decided to take action against President Obama by mailing their old hips from their pre-hip replacement days with a letter saying "Here's your clunkers, Negro!"

Still no word on the future "Cash for Cluckers" program, in which the government will be trading rebates for hens and roosters, or the the speculated "Mash for Dunkers", where Dunkin' Donuts will supposedly take bowls of mashed potatoes in exchange for a free chocolate donut and small iced coffee.

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