UnBooks:Great Abridged Pop Songs
Listening to pop songs can be tedious. Fortunately for you, we here at Penguin Classics have done so, so you don't have to. Never feel out of the loop again!
"London Bridge" by Fergie
I have more right to be in this dance club than you do.
I dance in the manner of a prostitute; however, I am not a prostitute.
I am drunk.
I intend to assault some photographers.
When I see you, London Bridge collapses.
"...Baby One More Time" by Britney Spears
Our relationship has ended.
As a consequence, I am lonely.
Please punch me in the mouth.
"Hollaback Girl" by Gwen Stefani
This is my shit.
As you can see, it is bananas.
You have said unpleasant things about me; therefore, I will harm you.
"Bananas" is spelled B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
"Sugar, We're Going Down" by Fall Out Boy
I am jealous of your sexual relationship with another man.
This has caused me to babble incoherently.
I choose to babble primarily about mausoleums, firearms, and pugilism.
"Promiscuous" by Nelly Furtado
Occasionally, diamonds are blue.
Steve Nash is a talented athlete.
My T-shirt does not render you invisible.
Let's have sex.
"I Kissed a Girl" by Katy Perry
Once, I got drunk and engaged in some extremely mild pseudo-homosexual flirtation.
Isn't that naughty?
"Touch My Body" by Mariah Carey
I invite you to have sex with me.
However, please do not film and distribute footage of the sex.
That would remind me of Wendy Williams.
Wendy Williams is a bitch.
"Viva la Vida" by Coldplay
I used to be very powerful.
That is no longer the case.
The reason might be that I keep going on and on about my auditory hallucinations.
I keep hearing bells and choirs.
The melody of this song is definitely not plagiarized. *wink wink*
"U + Ur Hand" by Pink
I am extremely intoxicated.
Please do not purchase an alcoholic beverage on my behalf.
Instead, give me money and then return to your home and masturbate.
This arrangement would be mutually beneficial to us both.
"Poker Face" by Lady Gaga
I intend to arouse a man sexually.
I will not reveal to this man whether I am similarly aroused.
It is difficult to play Russian Roulette without a weapon.
I have developed a stutter.
"Bootylicious" by Destiny's Child
I am going to dance in a fashion that would lead you to believe you can have sex with me.
Ultimately, you are ill-prepared for my talents.
Various celebrities are similarly ill-prepared for my talents.
You should probably stick with dry toast.
"That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings
I am terrible at children's sports.
The following names are not mine:
Stacey, Jane, Darling, Bird.
That is not the complete list.
"Love Song" by Sara Bareilles
I am being waterboarded.
You will leave unless I write you a love song.
Well, I won't. So there.
"Buttons" by The Pussycat Dolls
You promised to remove my clothing.
However, you have not made good on that promise.
I find that annoying, as these clothes are feeling increasingly tight.
Perhaps I need to go on a diet.
"Boom Boom Pow" by the Black Eyed Peas
A loud bass melody is very important to me.
I am being imitated by chickens.
My style originates from last year.
I believe your style originates from some time before that.
The bass and drums in this song are so loud that I stepped on a leprechaun.
"Girlfriend" by Avril Lavigne
I do not like your girlfriend, as I find her stupid and pedestrian.
I would like to propose that you replace her with me.
Everybody is already discussing this course of action.
"My Humps" by the Black Eyed Peas
I am incredibly sexy.
I am so sexy, in fact, that men purchase clothes and jewelry for me.
I refer to various parts of my anatomy as "humps" and "lumps."
I may have chosen the wrong words as evidence of my desirability.
"The Best of Both Worlds" by Hannah Montana
I am a rock star.
And a normal girl.
Isn't that delightful?
"Toxic" by Britney Spears
You are extremely poisonous.
I cannot stop ingesting poison.
Obviously, this is a metaphor for sex.
"Achy Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus
You have my permission to defame me and spread vicious rumors.
However, please do not say these things to my left ventricle.
I have a rare, undiagnosed cardiac condition that is triggered by such defamation.
"The Fear" by Lily Allen
I desire fame, fortune, and blood diamonds.
Then again, maybe I don't.
"Misery Business" by Paramore
My boyfriend's previous female companion was very promiscuous.
After a while, they ended their partnership.
This pleases me greatly.
"3" by Britney Spears
I enjoy counting.
I also enjoy threesomes.
If you don't approve of that, we can just have regular intercourse.
Or we could have a foursome.
"She Wolf" by Shakira
I have not received the amount of sexual activity I would like from you.
I will hunt for men in a dog-like manner.
I will have sex with one of them in your closet.
The fire department is on the speed dial.
"Tik Tok" by Ke$ha
When I wake up, I feel like a washed-up rapper.
I prefer alcoholic beverages to toothpaste.
My ideal man is an 80 year old ex-rocker.
Boys are attempting to touch my penis.
"California Gurls" by Katy Perry
It is difficult to forget girls from California.
That is because we dress provocatively.
Very, very provocatively.
Now here's Snoop Dogg to suggest that you squeeze my butt.