UnBooks:A List of Things To Do Before I Die by Reggie Mantle
Hello. My name is Reggie Mantle. You might remember me from the obscure Archie comics, although if you haven't heard of them, you may be forgiven - I keep telling them to change the name to Reggie comics but they're too stupid to realize that what a great draw that would be. Anyway, I'm 17 years old and there's a lot on my mind.
I have so much talent, so much potential and so much to do that even I can't remember it all. So I made a list. This is a list of things to do before I die. I originally approached the White House with the request to put up an obelisk mirroring this list in central square. They actually refused! Damn bureaucrats! I then went to the Courts, with the request that this list be read before the national anthem sounds, but they were too busy laughing at some obscure sort of joke that only lawyers understand. So now, I am temporarily placing it here.
So please, do a man with Narssistic Personality Disorder a favour and do not delete it. Failure to comply might cause my blood pressure to rise to 3000mmHg, in which case I will die much sooner than my already premature death. I will also explode with the force of a dam bursting and my blood will cause the Second Great Flood.
Before I die, I plan to:
- Start big. Conquer the world
- Sell said conquered world at an auction to the highest bidder.
- Marry Jessica Alba, Megan Fox, Kate Beckinsale, Lara Croft, Wonder Woman, Queen Rania and Inoue Orihime in one big mass wedding.
- Cheat on these women.
- Tame Oprah Winfrey. That's good publicity.
- Go fishing for the Blue Whale using the trusty ol' fishing rod.
- MILESTONE OBJECTIVE: Ride a Harley through the White House, singing Ol' Mac Donald.
- Destroy the Great Barrier Reef, ending all food supply in Australia. Sink Australia while I'm at it.
- Push over and topple the Leaning Tower of Pisa, ending decades of suspense and trepidation.
- Accuse Israel of anti-Semitism.
- Join the Terracota Army.
- Bleach-wash a ghost.
- Climb the Empire State building with Jennifer Aniston as the hostage a la King Kong. Then beat Jennifer's chest.
- Finger the Pope and make him so mad that he reveals his true identity as Emperor Palpatine.
- Bulldoze Israel so Jesus cannot land on Earth again.
- Bomb the Holy Kaabah and steal the Black Stone. Sell the Stone to Harry Potter or Lord Voldemort.
- Re-enact the Great Texas Chainsaw Massacre with animals.
- Make a rocket out of Coke and mentos. Argue that it can be used as an alternative fuel source.
- Mathematically prove the existence of ninjas who are also turtles.
- Find the secret of immortality. Implement it on my girlfriend. Do all this so I can abuse her more violently.
- Attack goldfish armed with a sword.
- Fix every Microsoft Windows error ever possible...ending the need for upgrades and bankrupting Bill Gates, Steve Jobs and Popeye the Sailor.
- Shoot the Ugly Ducking. Then shoot it again.
- MILESTONE OBJECTIVE: Find! Osama! Bin! Laden!! Begin hunting by searching my pockets.
- Convince the Hindu world that the Prophet Muhammad was God Shiva in the flesh and they should make
caricaturesimages of him.
- Give Darth Vader a respirator upgrade so that he can actually breathe.
- Dive Twenty-thousand Leagues Under The Sea. Then Journey to the Center of the Earth.
- Give the Statue of Liberty a pair of breast implants. Also redo her hair, redress her in a bikini and change her pose. Finally, rename her Miss Free. Oh, and take away the silly torch.
- Attend the Queen's visit. When she enters, run into the jungle screaming "Wolf!".
- Find the Little Red Riding Hood. Sell her a bazooka.
- Sell Grandma an F-35B Strike Fighter Aircraft.
- Take over Honda and manufacture the Transformers.
- Present the hypothesis that Noah (the Prophet) was a Bengali who lived in Bangladesh, citing the annual flooding the country undergoes.
- Finish reading the manga Bleach. Then write my own manga about Shinigami and Hollows with guns, tanks and planes. Call this manga Detergent.
- Remake the Clash of the Titans with a little twist at the end, after Perseus returns to Argos: Make the Kraken blind.
- Kill God.
Become Prime Minister of Pakistan
My Campaign points:
- You've got no one better.
- Mahatma Ghandi was a wife-beater!
- I will reconquer Bangladesh.
- I will
- I'm not a Pakistani (and therefore immune to corruption, greed, self-interest, etc.) and my inspiration is Enron.
Begin World War 3
- Convince Israel that Hitler faked his death and is still alive in Russia.
- Convince Russia that Stalin is still alive in Israel.
- Start rumors that Osama Bin Laden has cloned himself several times over, and now resides in 36 countries, one of which is the Vatican.
- Annoy Russell Crowe while he's walking by a military facility.
- Accuse Spain of Anti-Hinduism. There are far more Hindus than there are Spanish.
- Bring back William Wallace from the grave.
Abolish the overtly oppressive and avian-istic Law of Gravity.
This Law, founded by "Sir" Issac Newton, has been the biggest obstacle to mankind's natural right to fly freely, as nature intended him to, when he is caught in exploding bombs, earthquakes and volcano eruptions. Abolish this oppressive capitalist law, which was founded by Newton to give big business to aviation companies. By abolishing it, I will be ending the need to build massive airplanes and humans will be able to fly naturally. Dogfights will be a whole lot cheaper too, as soldiers will be able to mount missile salvos and gun-turrets on their persons. Did I mention that these guys will be flying at Mach-89?
Resurrect Robert Jordan
This fantasy novelist created and ruled the world of The Wheel Of Time in a desperate attempt to escape service in the Vietnam War. He had written eleven books before he died as a result of the Dark One's counter-stroke - which gave him Pencil-Cancer - leaving his cult followers in limbo and his fantasy heros stuck in a time-loop. But worry not. I will resurrect him, so that he has a chance to complete the series. Jordan will then expand the story, claim the need for more books, write about ten more, and then die again claiming that there are just three more books to go, again. If resurrected again, he will probably repeat cycle yet again.
Supernatural was one of the greatest sequels to the Bible. Now we all know that around the 7th century, an extremely talented and imaginative dude made a remake of the Bible. It was done so well that in spite of the greatness of the original, the remake attracted huge crowds and is still very popular. So it is reasonable to assume that a remake of Supernatural, based on the remake of the Bible, will also attract huge crowds and will be extremely popular.
Changes being considered for the remake are:
- Starring two sisters instead of two brothers. This is up for debate currently. Would it be holier and more pleasing to God to see two hot, sexy girls again and again or should we stick with the brothers and introduce two new hot, sexy girls each week, sent to them as God's Gift for doing the good work?
- Oh, wait, the Bible remake offers a more enticing idea: God's Gift is four hot, sexy girls per brother. Yes, stick with the bros.
- Replace Demons with Djinn(a.k.a demons) or introduce Djinn as separate from Demons(a.k.a Djinn)?
- Replace the story setting from United States to Saudi Arabia? Or Iran?? Hmmm....
- Replace the Chevy Impala with a Land-rover pulling a trailer-home.
- Plot Twist: Evil has help and is aided by.....the Pope?!.
- Evil is definitely aided by Albert Einstein, Konrad Zuse and Pizza Hut....
- ....and by Britney Spears.
- Our heroes will be unruly, spoilt, bratty sons of the King with everything they need instead of common outlaws on the run.
Why I Made This List
I have been diagnosed with Narssistic Personality Disorder. This means that I am a self-involved and self-obsessed person who feels that he is more important than other people, that he is better than them somehow, either because he is smarter, or better-looking or more powerful. Supposedly at least. I believe that the diagnosis is a bunch of balony. If you meet me, I am sure you will find, much to your delight, that I am a pleasant, funny, handsome, fantastic-looking, well-build, strong, muscular, powerful, influential, sociable, affable, intelligent and encyclopediac man. Not to mention modest. I can tell you that once you meet me, you will not want to leave my side. In fact, there have been times when my companions would be near-tears when I told them that I had to go. There is no way that I could be suffering from any disorder, or even any kind of illness, no matter how mild or negligible it is, let alone Narssistic Personality Disorder. I mean, come on doc, are you sure that that Harvard school gave you a proper education?!
Oh, shoot, I was talking about why I made this list but see, now you've distracted me! Anyway, back to the topic....yes you did!!! You did too distract me! What, do you honestly think that I'm the kind of man who goes around rambling about myself at random??? I don't like to talk about myself much, you can confirm that from the millions of friends I have all over the world! I'm a very humble and unassuming person at best, you must have realised that the moment you first laid eyes on me! Oh, shut up, can't you see I'm talking! Here I am trying to tell you why I made this list and you just keep distracting me over and over! Be quiet now! Come on, close your mouth! Stop talking! Yes....that's better.
Anyway, so about the list, I made this list because....oh no! HEY YOU!!!! Watch It When You Open The Door YOU CLUMSY STUPID IDIOT! YOU Just Let In That Gust Of Wind AND IT MESSED MY HAIR UP! Good GOD! Can you believe the kind of people who walk in to this Bus Shelter? Absolutely NO consideration for others!
Yes....so I made the list- oh, look, the bus is here! Well, you're welcome for talking to me. Maybe you'll get lucky tomorrow too.