UK Hardcore
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UK Hardcore is the illegitimate ginger cousin of rave music. Not inherently dislikeable, but unpopular, self absorbed, shallow, one-dimensional and vein. Its lack of roots is only matched by its near on limitless capacity to reinvent itself. A feat achieved by a never ending army of deluded wannabe DJs and MCs, absolutely convinced they're going to be the next big thing.
Roots[edit]
UK Hardcore was born out of the ashes of Happy Hardcore which died a sudden, painful, but not entirely unexpected death at the close of the millennium. DJs and MCs thought hard about the problem at hand, namely "How the hell am I going to pay the mortgage? and these fast cars aren't getting any cheaper either" and called a meeting.
The meeting consisted of the entire of top tier DJs and MCs within the scene. Amidst the baseless accusations, finger pointing, broken furniture and Vibes getting a nasty Chinese Burn, the collective decision was taken to change the musical direction of happy hardcore and re-brand it to UK Hardcore
Future[edit]
The UK Hardcore scene is one which is forever being lauded as being immortal by fans of the genre. This is carried out by proclaiming HARDCORE WILL NEVER DIE. This is correct. UK Hardcore will never die due to, as previously mentioned, a small army of up and coming DJs, desperate to pour their creative talents into the scene. This is carried out in following way.
- First of all, pick a DJ name. The more ridiculous the better and preferably as difficult to pronounce as possible as well.
- Next up learn how to mix, this needn't take long as all you need to do is learn how to mix enough to create a mix CD, then when you hit the big time you can put this CD in and bingo! a whole hour of perfectly mixed tunes!
After this, your most important goal is publicity. It is a scientific fact that the more publicity you can generate, the more popular you will be and more bookings you will get. Surefire ways to increase publicity include:
- Referring you yourself in the third person AT ALL TIMES.
- Overestimating your DJ and production talent. This is most effectively carried out by unilaterally declaring yourself as "better" than an already established artist with considerable skills in their own right.
- Generating interviews about yourself for publication in the music media. It doesn't matter that the questions are suspiciously positive about your achievements and the answers have the same sentence structure and spelling mistakes, no-one will notice.
- Creating a dizzying array of aliases to cater for each direction your DJ career takes. Taking this to the extremes of creating a new alias for each tune is not taking things too far. Obviously each tune will be amazing and the production quality will be immense (that goes without saying) and you want it to stand out on its own right rather that have people buy it because it's got your original DJ name on it. Remember, those accusing you of being borderline Bi-polar are just jealous of your success.
- When the music is going through a "transitional phase" but is really dying and on its arse it is imperative that you create controversy by accusing your best mate of being the reincarnation of Jimmy Saville. This will inevitably lead to people forgetting how shit your music is and create more drama than when George Michael got caught cracking one off on Hampstead Heath.
Side effects of creating an up and coming DJ career[edit]
There will also be other side effects to this process, such as
- Amassing a huge quantity of overpriced t-shirts with trendy logos on the front.
- Forming shallow and superficial relationships with fellow up and coming DJs on the basis that you're all in this together. Don't forget to stab them in the back at a moment's notice if you think it'll further your career.
- Actually believing your own publicity and turning into a weapons grade fister.
The UK Hardcore Scene[edit]
Hardcore is still listened to by "ravers" despite the fact there is only one breeding pair of legitimate ravers left in western Europe. Not surprisingly, they are located in Bristol.
The rest of the crowd which gathers at these events are a mixed bag, consisting of, but not limited to:
- Glue sniffing no hopers
- Car thieves.
- Preening peacocks wearing whatever the MCs were wearing at last weeks rave.
- Chancers
- Freeloaders
- DSI idiots
- Piss artists
- Sluts
- Ket eating soap dodgers
- Wannabee DJs and MCs
- Wannabee sluts who spend the whole night overestimating their attractiveness.
- And jaded cynics, who can be identified by constant moaning about how things were better 5 years ago.
Contrary to popular belief, no-one actually pays to get into UK Hardcore events, with the entire crowd phoning up the promoter at 3am the night before to demand guest list entry. The demands for guest list entry are accompanied by justifications as to why the rave cannot possibly go ahead without their entry being guaranteed and usually for reasons what would make a professional confidence trickster uncomfortable repeating. Pleas from the promoter that he is 25k in the red and has the local hardman on his case to settle the debt will fall on deaf ears, guaranteed and will be met with accusations of being a "diva", "up his own arse" and the person in question "didn't want to go to their shit night anyway"
A typical UK Hardcore Event[edit]
As the night of the event approaches, all the interested parties who are instrumental in making the rave happen descend on the venue. Once again, these include, but are not limited to:
- Promoter: This is the man responsible for the event happening. For reasons best known to himself, he is entirely convinced his rave will succeed, despite having no money, even less business acumen, and the charisma of a dried dog turd. Preparation is vital for any successful event and it is important that the following is adhered to:
- Pick a venue that holds 1000 despite the universally well-known fact that a new rave without an all-star lineup will not get more than 200 through the door.
- Print flyers 3 weeks before the event and put his only 2 big DJs he could afford on at 9-10 and 5-6am, and for the core hours having all of his mates that no one has ever heard of.
- Hope against odds that only the criminally insane would back, to pay all the DJs with the money he makes on the door. Which of course is fuck all, cos no cunt will attend. Apart from his 100 mates he's put on the guest list.
As the night progresses he will be easily recognisable as he will be suffering from palpitations, profuse sweating, mild intoxication from one or more stimulants and empty pockets. Later on in the night as the rest of his "promotional team" stand there like stunned cunts at the sum total of 20 people who have bothered to turn up, he will be seen accelerating up the road, with the cash box in hand.
- Security: This is not a literal title, usually "secure" is one of the few things people feel when Security turn up, but this is hardly surprising when a 25 stone gorilla in a black MA2 and absolutely ripped to his tits on steroids wants a word with you in a side room. Perceived slights on his tenuous grip on authority are usually enforced with brutality which would make Idi Amin wince and with 10 of his colleagues making their way to the incident to join in the action should he not be able to handle the sort of retaliation a helpless, gurning 10 stone weakling can muster.
- Sound Engineers: Another laughably titled job description, these people are responsible for ensuring the sound system they bring to the event functions at its peak efficiency throughout the night. The baseline for this efficiency is roughly equivalent to that of a flatulent dormouse and this is rarely exceeded. Protestations for everyone from the promoters to the MCs are met with flat refusals and further protestations are met with threats to dismantle the stacks there and then.
- Lighting engineer: This job is similar to the sound engineer except their responsibility is to deliberately set up the lighting rig so a minimum of 25 terrorstrobes are concentrated directly in front of the crowd. The rest of the night is spent with his fellow engineer, placing bets on how many ravers will suffer epileptic seizures when he turns them all on at once. Current record is 55.