The Lord of the Pepitas
“Oh My God! It is the Pepitas guy himself!... Wait... Why am I suffering this brain damage all of a sudden?”
“The Lord of the Pepitas is not dead. ”
The Lord of the Pepitas is the master, for ever and ever and ever and ever. His age tends to the infinity and he's like uber ultra super wise. Not knowing who he is results in severe brain damage. Whatever he intends to do, he'll do it. Whatever your question is, he'll answer. Whatever your kamasutra needs are, he'll join you.
The secret to his uber coolness is the same secret ingredient of the KFC. It is said that he's been training for as long as you've been seeing porn. But time is relative, remember that and you'll be happy. The most important thing about the Lord of the Pepitas is his Carrito de Pepitas. The Carrito is like the magic school bus (which in fact sucks). But the Carrito doesn't suck at all. Quite the opposite, it is the bestestest thingy since Jules Verne invented the Yellow Submarine while he was on drugs.
His young days[edit]
A lot has been speculated of the young life of the Lord of the Pepitas. There are a lot of theories in the Mexican books for self improvement of the Cucusflurys (highly acclaimed literary masterpieces like "Bill gates knows el peje", "how to treat your youngsters addicted to myspace" and "Start knowing your belly button better") but the most accepted of them all can be found in the Giancoli book of physics, page. 1005. It sustains the theory that when the Lord of the Pepitas was young, the world didn't actually exist, he wandered alone in the dark, just eating salt and strange candy today known as "rockaletas".
He had special abilities that inspired the books of Harry Puto and his adventures were so awesome that books and movies like "Lord of the Rings" and "The Chronicles of Narnia" are based upon them. He was nothing and at the same time he was everything. But then, one day from outerspace (if there even was an outerspace, this arises a lot of polemic discussion) a super weird guy arrived on earth named Jonathan Celerino. He called himself "a cholo" but in reality he was a nerd who liked to eat apples (and also he likes that his apples fall in his head), and study biology (because from the place he came, life actually existed).
He rocked the world with his rap(e) music and the Lord of Pepitas ran to the other side of the earth, he couldn't bear to hear that music, it weakened him every instant. With the rap music, people were created and they sought the Lord of Pepitas for highly professional advice, consulting him in extremely important matters like...why is grass blue? and how to grow another eye... and most importantly, where's the bathroom?
Of children and dogs[edit]
Little is known about his starts in the hot dog industry. Only his old colleague Darth Vader knows about that obscure past. However, everybody knows about his pepitas industry where he has gained much prestige selling pepitas in Tijuana, Paris and Xochimilco. He has an official fan club named "Las Joyas de las Pepitas" in honour to its founder Osvaldo Joya. Joya is was and still is the best friend of the Lord of the Pepitas' children: Salazar and Herrera. Almost no one, except Chuck Norris, know that Salazar failed his Play Doh class during preschool.
God Controversy[edit]
The Lord of the Pepitas is not God. He, however, created the concept of God in order to have someone people could blame for his errors. It is widely known that God was the first idea the Lord of the Pepitas had. Sex was the second. He thought of sex while seeing porn. Which creates the first paradox of the Universe, which was first, sex or porn? This paradox was first aknowledged by Shigeru Miyamoto while seeing porn.
Pepitas[edit]
So yeah, the lord of the pepitas is cool and all but what the fuck is a pepita? In words of the master.
| “ | A pepita is art. It comes from the magic kingdom of Pumpkins in Mexico. Some say it is the seed. I say it is the perfection. | ” |