The Big Crunch

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The Big Crunch is usually preceded by the Mini Crunch

If you think you've heard it all, well, just consider the Big Crunch. When it comes to doomsday most of us worry about a huge explosion of fire or water, or, heaven forbid, steam. But in the case of this article we fear the smallest implosion. Confused? Okay, just conjure an image of a fire-cracker exploding in slow-motion, and then imagine watching the sequence played in reverse, so it blows down rather than blowing up. Now picture the fire-cracker as being infinitely smaller than a sub-atomic particle. We hope this is crystal clear.

Hypothesesologically the Big Crunch is a multi-faceted scenario for doomsday where all matter in the cosmos, as a direct result of some unknown factor, contracts back to its starting point - compressing to an ungodly magnitude beyond human comprehension and reaching incalculable cosmic density - until it implodes. This results in the very fabric of material reality being rent asunder, when everything totally disappears in a backward glimmer.

Because all matter is ultimately destroyed, we guess it probably, kinda blows up too, which is just as well because explosions are way more spectacular than boring, imperceptible mini-implosions. But, practically speaking, that hardly matters with absolutely no survivors. There is simply nowhere left to survive in.

So what, exactly, does omniscient Uncyclopedia recommend you do about this eminent cataclysm? Why, take recourse of the blessed and worthy "Unknown Factor" at the conclusion of this brief article.

Big Crunch Doomsday Theories

The Big Crunch is certain to play havoc with the World Wide Web.

Big Stuff

Okay, now pay attention: As the ego - spirit-soul or life confused by mis-identification with otherwise inert material bodies - is infinite in potential and imagination, and whereas the material Universe is finite in size resulting in the law of Karma (not to be confused with the "Winston Wolf law of problem solving") being applicable, eventually, as the result of some unknown factor, the expansion of egos inexplicably reverses, so that all the falling egos, now composed of anti-matter, cause the universe to re-collapse back to it’s starting point, e.g., a colossal gun barrel from where the big bang originated. At that point, when everything is compressed beyond measure, it will vanish in a single crunch, ending back where it started, as a cosmic shot-gun shell stuffed full of planetary buck-shot.[1]

Big Suck

While the early universe was basically dignified, a contracting universe would become increasingly cramped with ever-rising egos. Eventually, as the result of some unknown factor, all ego-laden souls would collapse as anti-souls thereby speeding up the contraction process until it turns inside out. This complete reversal of reality would produce a bona fide black hole that would just totally suck[2].

Big Silence

What started out as the Big Bang will finally end as the Big Silence. This is based on the fact that all living egos or (souls trapped in a subtle mind and successive material bodies), being supra-mundane, are immune to gravity, and, as the result of some unknown factor, will eventually go on expanding to such an extent that they will fill all material space beyond capacity and rip apart the limited Cosmos leading, finally, to some well-deserved peace and bloody quiet, in what is known as the Big Silence.

Conclusion based on facts

The Big Crunch is neither a pleasant occurrence nor a viable piece of furniture

Current evidence based on the observation of distant supernovas in other galaxies far, far away, such as the Dagobah System, have led to the iron-clad conclusion that the inflation of the totality of all egos in the universe is not being slowed down by the law of gravity but rather is speeding up. This is because egos, being the personalities assumed by souls, are supra-mundane, and thus immune to behaving like apples. When this increase finally fills the outer limits constraining the Cosmos, and due, in part, to an unknown factor, it will cause a universal crunch, beginning with a 'ripping sound' - much like a zipper being closed - and ending in total blankness and pin-drop silence[3].

The Unknown Factor

Because knowledge of an unknown factor, e.g., the so-called "dark matter" (possibly some form of adamantine void or inverse non-reality) is totally missing, therefore this article is more than likely to be utter rubbish and complete balderdash.

Therefore we suggest that you sit back and relax - secure in your knowledge of Uncyclopedia's all-pervasive ignorance.

See also

The Big Crunch


  1. ARA's Sun Dial Weekly, 2/2006, #3.
  2. Dr. Gary F. Hinshaw (2008). WMAP Introduction to Cosmology. NASA.
  3. Y Wang; A Linde and M Shmakova (2004). Current Observational Constraints on Cosmic Doomsday 006. JCAP 0412.

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