Talking animals
“They talk now?”
Talking animals are the basis of all Aborigine food sources. The most common talking animal, found often in the Australian outback, is the "bestia ut sermo super res", Which translates "animal that talks about things". Modern scientists are still baffled by this names translation.
The animal has undergone extensive testing by the "Nigerian Banana University of Animals and Mass Email Moneymaking", which proved conclusively that it has a penis. The testing was swiftly moved to Oxford University, where scientists discovered the animal did have a working sense of ha ha ha speech, and, to their surprise, a cockney accent. Further testing revealed the Bestia possessed an IQ higher than George Bush. It should be stated that this is not American president George W Bush, but a George L Bush living in the Slough mental hospital, who failed to train the American president adequately for daily life before his release from Slough in 1997.
Whilst being tested, the animal appeared to relentlessly scream obscenities to the testers. Although we do not want to go into detail, Here is a partial transcript:
- Bestia
- FUCK YOU, guv! Here I am trying to talk about stuff without being taken to a FUCKING UNIVERSITY! LOOK AT ME!
- Researcher
- What did you say?
- Bestia
- I specifically asked for a BUD Light.
- Researcher
- (withdraws penlight from the animal) Sorry.
Fake talking animals[edit]
A common example of an animal that only appears to speak is the parrot. The parrot is in actuality a type of living ventriloquist's dummy. Disney films also rely on fake talking animals, a good example being the popular film "Bambi". Researchers at Duke University have recently proven conclusively that the talking animals depicted in the film "Bambi" are actually hand drawn representations of animals, voiced by human slaves. No charges have been filed, and the university is currently seeking a government grant to study the films "Bambi 2" and "Air Bud 666: devil dog
Well known animals that talk[edit]
It is rumored that the common cat or dog can talk, but that they enjoy imitating animals. This is not true. To prove this at home, simply place a common house cat in Jerry Springer's lap and observe that it does not ask to be let out.
There are several known animals that have been proven to speak. Here is a short list.
- Lassie
- 1950s television dog Lassie spoke fluent English and Dutch, but was prevented from doing so on television by network censors after the dog told eleven dirty jokes during the pilot episode alone. Because of her command of language and shrewd business sense Lassie was the highest paid member of the cast.
- Turkey Lurkey, the Minnesota Talking Turkey
- This remarkable talking bird gave an impassioned speech on animal rights in the hours before thanksgiving 1975. It was later partnered with cornbread stuffing and a cranberry glaze.
- Sarah Jessica Parker
- Is under scrutiny from Oxford's Biological science department, as it is unknown if claims that she is a horse are actually true.
- Lou Dobbs
- is actually a shaved Giant Panda.