Stone golem
The first Stone Golem was created in the fabled city of Prague by the invincible Tomasz Pedlow. A Hebrew sage of great scarcity and close friends with G-dzilla himself, Pedlow used occult Atheist magicks to create the Golem from earth, clay, carpet lint, a foreskin, an expired condom and polish kransky. The ingredients were then added to the formula (known today as the golemic triad).
Pedlow then nursed the baby Golem to health in his closet for nigh on 6 years, thus creating the second world war which was commonly known in Poland as the War of the Parabolas and Adolf Hitler was known as one of the used car salesmen of the apocalypse. Pedlow has since taken refuge in the mining town of Burwood, where he wears an anti-time travel helmet which easily resembles a bucket of fried cats.
Habitat[edit]
Continuing its Pelowic origins, the Stone Golem preferrs small, dark, enclosed spaces full of clothes or other cotton-based materials. At night he walks his pet microwave, though it is fact that the microwave died in 1876 when America fell to the revolution.
It is not uncommon to see the Stone Golem in Violin Valley, just north of Prague. Here he is known to pluck the violins from the trees and run around, struggling to play. Because he has never received violin lessons, his music is bad enough to be banned in all Eastern European nations with the exception of Canada. Side effects of listening to his deadly mating tune include hair loss, exploding genetalia and what is known as "Van Gough Syndrome".
Anatomy and Diet[edit]
The Stone Golem is believed to be approximately 9'6.45", though an exact figure is yet to be determined. Physicists of the Coober Pedy University have spent several decades researching the weight of the beast, however the figure asymptotes at the nearest Eurovision song contest, which is above infinity. It is for this reason that many have questioned a biological relationship between the Golem and Rosie O'Donnell.
The staple diet of the Stone Golem is Polish kransky, however during the great Kransky Famine of 1850, the Golem was known to drain life support machines, which were not created until the late 1900's, therefore requiring the Stone Golem to travel through time if it needed to feed. The mouth of the Golem is the same orifice used for excretion, much like an owl.
In 1986, the Stone Golem tried out for the lead role in Capcom's new super fighting robot video game for the Nintendo, but lost the part of Megaman to Harrison Ford.
Recent Sightings[edit]
The Stone Golem has recently been sighted alongside Dr. of the Church Dre and Eminem after landing his own premier rap album about life in the ghetto now and in the 16th century really aren't that different and you've got to be true to your self and your roots in the earth. Respect.
Tom Kranski[edit]
The Stone Golem of Prague is also the inspiration of many stories written by the universally disliked author Tom Kranski. His most famous publishing being Tom Kranski: the Hunt for Red Pierogi, which revolves around the life of a Jew in Poland who creates a stone golem to defend the Jewish ghetto. Many critics have claimed this is blatant plagiarism but Kranski maintains "czy ina opowiesc miala czerwone pierogi? kurwa nie, to jest dlaczego ja nikogo nie kopiowalem ". The meaning of this is unknown, as the Polish language has not yet been deciphered.
Collingwood[edit]
The Stone Golem also played full forward for the Collingwood 92/93 season where he scored a record number 9'6.45" goals, but during the first season grand final in June he was attacked by a raged Eddie McGuire after he found out the Stone Golem was pretending to be Eddie McGuire.
Current Status[edit]
Though there have been increasing sightings of the Stone Golem, there is little to no actaully physical evidence of the existence of this being. All prior information is based solely on what was retrieved in interviews with the Stone Golem him/her/it self over a series of 22 interviews, although this information is yet to be 100% confirmed, hence the existence of Stone Golem may be false. Although speculation has arose also about the neck length of Stone Golem, it is believed that it is between 90-320cm (Communistic Measurment) in length, and 45cm around. It is also believed that the Stone Golem has created a myspace.com page, although it has received so many friend requests that the server overloaded and crashed. When more information is available on this matter it will be available in local newspapers.
See also[edit]
- Nazi Zombies: The Stone golem is their natural predator.
- Bread golem: The Pillsbury dough boy is not the only homunculus of starch.