Special Air Service
The Special Air Service or SAS is a corps of the British Army constituted on 31 May 1950. They are all the Army's elite broadcasting regiment, called out when ever the army needs to look good on the telly, hence air service - on air. Not to be mistaken for the Scandinavian Airline Systems (SAS) who are a bunch of hardened men, unlike the SAS(although some of them also work there)or the slovakian airconditioning systems (SAS). Ross Kemp has been the Emperor in Chief of the SAS since 1635 and during the documentary, 'Ultimate Force', Emperor Kemp allowed a film crew to follow him around on his daily chores. The crew found they were sterile after the documentary had been completed, this is due to the Gamma radiation emitted by Ross Kemp's crotch. Emperor Kemp has a trademark battlecry; "Shut it you slag", which causes the radiation to temporarily become 1000x stronger, which is roughly enough to sterilise 3 quarters of China.
SAS always win unless the kettle's on, then its time for that long awaited cup of tea.
The SAS base is near Hereford, England. The base comprises barracks, The killing House(used for Close-Quarter-Battles as well as slaughtering chickens for KFC), Headquarters and a Tesco. The headquarters building is nicknamed 'The Kremlin' because that's where the Israeli spies work.
Although the occasional nancy boy slips into the ranks (as it were), the SAS aims to primarily recruit amongst the heterosexuals in the armed forces. The reason for this is three fold. One, it is well known that you're only gay if you bat, not if you bowl. Second, the SAS has found that sexual violence is the fastest way to intimidate and subdue an unfriendly force, whether they be terrorists or Pakis. For this reason, they do not want men who might fall in love with the enemy. The purpose of buggery in the SAS is (almost) never romantic in nature, and they have found that red blooded heterosexuals have less of a predilection for this sort of thing. Lastly, the SAS recruits heterosexuals because they are much less common in the UK armed forces. This gives the SAS an "elite of the elite" status, and a corresponding esprit de corps.
The one exception to the "gay if you bat, not if you bowl" rule is the drill instructor or DI. The DI is usually of the rank of sergeant, and during training is the prime target for practice buggery. Which is not to say that the DI is in any way passive. On the contrary, the DI will use any and all methods to test his trainees, to force them to come too quickly, and most of all, to shame them for their lack of buggery skills using taunts and sarcasm to question the troop's masculinity.
After the training in buggery is complete, SAS recruits are given training in the practice of machine guns, rubber chickens, high altitude urination, sharpshooting, camouflage, basic infiltration and ex-filtration techniques, basic reconnaissance, first aid, creative writing, and silly walks.
Once basic training is complete, the recruit goes onto advance training, picking two specialities. The reason for two specialities rather than one is because SAS teams in the field are usually very small, and each man might have to take up the job of a fallen comrade. Thus, there are usually two members on a team with advance medical training, advanced urination from a great height training, and advanced rubber chicken fighting, depending on the mission. Smaller teams allow the SAS to conduct missions far behind enemy lines, bugger enemy forces with more versatility, and more easily divide up the check when dinning out.
- Pissing from a great height. Two SAS men dangle from the underside of a helicopter on ropes, and fly towards the building to be assaulted at high speed. At the planned distance the SAS men each begin pissing on any terrorists in the rooftop, thereby embarrassing the terrorists to such a degree that they throw down their weapons and surrender in shame. Then SAS snipers shoot them.
- Fake entry. This only works on targets with their pants down that are also sporting an erection. A SAS soldier will feint towards the exposed arse of the target with his penis to distract him, while another SAS soldier will punch him him in the nuts.
- The Abseil Shot. With this technique (as practised many times by former SAS man Red Hand Luke) an SAS soldier can bugger a terrorist on another level of a flight of stairs. The SAS man drops his drawers from the top of the stairs and then somersaults down the stairs. As he passes the floor with terrorist on he beats him about the head and shoulders with his enormous cock, then buggers the terrorist once he is properly subdued..
- The your mother tactic. When terroists take hostages tell them
"You are a disgrace to your country, a disgrace to you edcuation and a disgrace to your mother" the last remark will ensure the SAS get lots of running crybabys.
Weapons and Equipment
- Browning Hi Power - Deluxe toaster with bun warmer
- Browning Brownies: Handgun firing high velocity rounds of freshly baked pieces of chocolate goodness.
- H&K mp5 sub-machine gun: Contrary to popular belief, H&K Stands for Hong & Kong as opposed to Heckler & Koch, which makes sense considering that it is cheaper to make sub machine guns from Hong Kong than Deutschland. This sub-machine gun also comes with a built in hi-tech iPod Touch exclusive only to those in the SAS, fulfilling its purpose as a weapon with an mp5 player.
- Flashbang grenade: Used to distract the enemy with bright flashes of light, which gives off the impression that the enemy "really do the see the light" just before they die.
- Gangbang grenade: Upon explosion, skinny homosexuals pop out of this cylinder tube (Kinda like a genie in a bottle, only gayer and doesn't grant wishes). These homosexuals, which carry HIV with them, bumfuck the enemy until they are infected with homo-AIDS.
- Rubber Chicken - Sometimes the SAS use guns, but most of the time they use rubber chickens because they are silent and don't leave dead bodies lying around everywhere.
A Plastic Pistol -Shoots 1m in range
- Dirty Sanchez - Anything that can sexually excite an enemy for critical milliseconds is used.
- Any weapons from the List of weapons that don't exist, but should
- Kevlar: "I can't believe it's made out of plastics!!" Kevlar is used not only as body armor, but also used to strengthen an erected penis.
- Nomex fireproof suit: This isn't actually issued to the SAS, the Director of the SAS simply lies to the SAS soldiers and the placebo effect is good enough for them to really withstand fire.
- Survival Tin emergency condom. Originally a practical joke which has become standard issue.
- Kitchen knife
- Giant Dildo
- Nail gun and Plasma gun
- Tree branches for stealth missions