Seahorse

Seahorses are, despite what many reading this article would expect, nothing to do with horses. In fact, to suggest this would be fallacious to the extreme, and should anyone ever imply so to you, they are no doubt pulling your leg. The correct course of action is, naturally, to direct them to this page to set them straight, as this is not a forum for the ridiculous.

What Is A Seahorse?

The seahorse (Equus aquaticus) is, in fact, a small animal that lives, ironically, in the sea. The common name "seahorse" is a bastardisation of the terms "sea", meaning "sea", and "hoarse", meaning very dry. Appropriately, seahorses are a vortex of dryness in an otherwise wet and hostile environment. Their inate ability to displace moisture has been compared to the sponge, but in fact the scientific principle on which it is based is substantially different.

“Male seahorses give birth. ”

~ Oscar Wilde on Seahorse

Theory Of Dryness

The absorption of water by a sponge results in a measurable expansion of the sponge. To extrapolate this to the extreme, a single sponge could conceivably grow large enough to absorb the entire ocean; hence as the size of the sponge tends towards infinity,

$\lim _{t\to \infty }size(sponge)=size(ocean)$

The seahorse, on the other hand, displaces water around it, forming a protective bubble. Therefore, as the size of the seahorse approaches infinity, the ocean must expand around it. As such,

$\lim _{t\to \infty }size(seahorse)-size(ocean)>0$

Applications of the Theory Of Dryness

Firstly, we take it as given that the size of the seahorse depends only on how much it is fed. From this, we can show that, due to the Theory of Dryness showing that the size of a seahorse is always smaller than that of the ocean, the size of the ocean must as a result be determined by the amount of food available to seahorses. This theory was used to justify the Exxon Valdez oil spill after the company in question provided a sizeable donation to the feeding of seahorses, thereby increasing the size of the ocean.

Taste

Man eating Seahorse

Due to the protective anti-moisture surroundings of the seahorse, it can take several weeks for one to be eventually digested. As such, it is extremely popular for trampers and outdoorsmen to consume a meal of seahorses the night before any long journey. If they should run out of normal food, the eventual digestion of the seahorse should provide enough sustenance to continue. This principle has saved many a life in the history of the great outdoors.

Contributions to Popular Culture

Interestingly enough, the seahorse was originally employed by prostitutes as a crude form of contraceptive, due to the fact a skillfully inserted one would prevent any offensive liquids reaching the point of fruition. As a result, an easy way to spot a brothel in ancient times was the regular delivery of seahorses, giving rise to the child's cry - "See! Whores!", thus creating a most useful new word and an amusing children's game at the same time.

See also

• Sandhorse
• Sea monkey
• Water polo

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