ST Math

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Every time the pupil gives the correct answer to a math question, he or she gets one step closer to a virtual bowl of tasty penguin stew.

ST Math® is a website that claims it can help your child with mathematics. ST stands for Spatial®-Temporal®, as the tutorial technique claims to fit perfectly in Earth's space-time continuum. However, implied-merchantability lawsuits have been filed against the coursework in other continuums, both in the alternate time continuum shown to Ebenezer Scrooge by the Ghost of Christmas Future, and in the alternate Star Trek universe where Mr. Spock grew a beard and wore a scabbard while orbiting the planet Dweezil with all that valuable ore.


ST Math developed out of research done at UC Irvine, where researchers found that the human brain holds "visual representations in short-term memory and to evolve them in both space and time, thinking multiple steps ahead." No one knew this before, as we were simply too busy teaching the young brats to think about which part of their brains the lesson plan was seeping into. St Math also excepts you're kid to know what to do. They give you a problem with out explaining how to do it!


ST Math offers an "effective blended learning math solution in K-12 education." Payers of property taxes know what this means: Next year's excuse for a higher bill. You don't buy it; your community buys it and you simply pay for it. The coursework involves "proficiency through visual learning." This will replace last year's national fad, Learning While Blindfolded,® whose bill you are paying this year.

Pitch-man JiJi had a drinking problem and a jaundiced view of personal computing, until ST Math cleaned him up and dried him out for a new career in marketing.

The revolutionary new technique boasts visual representations, symbolic representations, and techniques that let teachers assign specific math objectives for learning outside school. This innovation, likely to be referred to as homework, has never before been feasible. Further improvements are under development involving number lines, plastic pie-chart pieces, and possibly color-coded wooden blocks in different units of length. In the future, the sky is literally the limit.


The ST Math mascot is a penguin named JiJi (pictured). In Latin America, this is pronounced "hee-hee" and is the sound of laughing, such as at a small child who cannot seem to figure out what two times three is. Moron! If only the child were surrounded by Unix and Ubuntu, he or she would never have to multiply but would have penguin companions around the clock, while waiting for the God-damned system to reboot so he or she can start learning again.