“His whiskers tickle my genetalia, and make me giggle!!!”
“ I remember when Richie was about 15, I made him re-shoot our Christmas videos over 100 times (chuckles) ahh, that ruined his Christmas you know...but I'm eccentric, so...”
“Your moms a lard ass”
Dr. Richard Jeremiah Beard Barbara Plaid Karn (December 6, 400 BC - September 20, 5570) a noted Handy-Man, child pornographer, humanitarian, and unicyclist, was born in the outskirts of GenetaliaTicklingWhiskers, WI inside of a large vat of Grade-A Canadian Maple Syrup, to Plaid-shirt Karn and a six foot tall ball of pubic hair.
After the untimely death of his father, and the acknowledgement of his mother as an inanimate object, Karn was adopted by legendary filmmaker Stanley Kubrick who trained him as World Champion of the "Dark Art" of Unicycling.
- Karn, now one of the richest people on earth, has donated over $400 Trillion towards the foundation of his charity, The Karn-ivores, which helps underprivilaged inner-city youths to achieve their dreams of one day becoming lumberjacks.
- Karn's second, and most deeply personal project; dubbed Karn'al Desires - involves helping lonely, 40-something, single Star Trek nerds (aka : Trekkies) come to terms with living in their parents' basements and fantasizing about Seven of Nine whilst violating themselves anally with collectible 'Barbie' figurines from the 1950's. As of February 2009, over 3 self loathing sociopaths have successfully completed treatment in Karn's outpatient care centre at a cost of $32,481,922 to California taxpayers. Karn is quoted as saying he considers the program to be a "rousing success" and plans to buy his organization up to 20 'therapeutic' Jolene Blalock Real-Dolls to use as recovery aids for future patients.
- Karn's other humanitarian project, is known as "Karn-Nation". However this project receives no funding, as it was simply a ploy to use Karns last name in a quasi clever title.
Karn has won the World "Dark Art" Unicycling Championship a total of 10 times. The only years he did not win, were due to a "very heavy menstrual cycle". Karn lists 2005 as his most memorable victory for several reasons. "Well, first of all it was held in Tuvalu, my favorite country, second of all, my dad came out, despite being dead, so, obviously that meant a lot."
- Kubrick, despite having finished 2001: A Space Odyssey, over 30 years ago, and despite being dead, continues to work on the movie.
Like his flannel, Borland is known for his turbulent relationship with his beard, Yarvis, a well documented Pirate. Their ralationship came to a boiling point on October 17th, 2004 when Yarvis (a staunch conservative), bacame aware that Karn (a staunch lumberjack) personally founded Massachusetts Democrat John Kerry's rediculously long head.
In late 1938, following a violent courtship, which would eventually lead to the death of Conan O'Brien, Richard Karn wed U.S. Attorney General Tim Taylor, aka, "The Toolman". Nine months later, they gave birth to Sears-Roebuk Karn, a bubbling baby conglomerate. In the late 1990's, their marriage fizzled, and Taylor filed for divorce, citing, "More gay aardvarks than any man could candle!"
Richard Karn has been happily re-married to Marlon Brando (aka Rotting Corpse Brando), since he died of chronic obesity.
Although no one is sure exactly how many things Richard Karn can say, most experts agree that Karn has no understanding of the English language, and that he simply mimicks certain things in a continuous loop. Below are the only documented things that Richard Karn has ever said.
- "I don't think so Tim."
- "Thank you Heidi."
- "Very heavy menstrual cycle".
- "That address again is, Tim Taylor, c/o Tool Time P.O. Box 32733, Detroit, MI 48252."
- "I'm DOUBLING/TRIPLING THE POINTS!"
- "If it's there, you'll DRAW FIRST BLOOD!"
- Remains as the only person to ever program his VCR, though he was almost matched by Princess Diana, just before the moment of her death.
- He is often confused with his own beard.
- Holds the world 100 Meter Backwards Unicycling Racing record for Men at an astounding 5 seconds.
- Was once arested for allegedly raping a Rubiks Cube. The charges were later thrown out after the Cube refused to testify.
- 9 time World "Dark Art" Unicycling Champion. 1992-1997,1999,2003,2005
- Karn once chopped down a tree so good, that 5 trees fell.
- His likeness is the highest selling Halloween mask in history.
- Home Improvement (1991–2077) — Al Borland
- Family Foreplay (2002–2006) — Peeping Tom
- Shaving Ryan's Privates (2003)- Man with 23 inch penis