Rapier
The rapier is a sword whose design is loosely based on an ancient torture device. In medieval times, it was most commonly used to punish convicted rapists as a humane alternative to spontaneous combustion. It was used in a manner according to what its name implies: to rape its opponent in the ear. In modern-day usage, many expandable versions can be found in women's purses.
History[edit]
In medieval times, the rapier was invented as a deterrent to the then-rampant crime of rape. Examples abound in extant literature of the time which would depict a husband coming home from a hard day's night of work, only to find that his wife was either "not in the mood" or was simply having the milkman over for coffee. This would send the unfortunate husband into an uncontrollable rage in which he would rape his wife, the milkman, the dog and every young maiden who happened to be living on the same street.
Much thought was given as to how then-currently elected officials could use this as an opportunity to regain favor among their constituents. The initial "tough on crime" response was to simply blow the bastards off the face of the earth. However, this response was met with protests in which liberals would rape each other, then light themselves on fire. Eventually, pressure from local hospitals forced the government to come up with a solution, and thus the rapier was born.
Usage[edit]
Today, the rapier is used as a self-defense weapon. Proper usage of a rapier, as described in the Official Guide to Kinky Sexual Weapons, can be broken down into three steps:
Step 1- Locate the ear of opponent
Step 2- Align the rapier such that the tip of the blade and the end of the handle would both be points H and Q upon an imaginary line extending tangentially from the opponents ear
Step 3- Rape the son of a bitch through the ear, causing a sense of deep personal violation and therefore scarring the victim for life.
Regulations prohibit any non-consensual usage of a rapier by males. Any offense is considered to be a capital crime. However, should a man decide to risk it all, he must keep in mind that there is one solid and impenetrable defense against a rapier. It is known as "consent." At no point must the wielder of a rapier allow for the opponent to give consent (unless the wielder is a woman, in which her lack of necessary equipment renders her legally invincible). If consent is given, the three steps no longer constitute "rape" and will therefore render the act ineffective.