Pokémon card
“Addictive, tradable, cutie, goodness.”
“I go nowhere without them!”
Pokémon cards are one of the essentials in a nerd's inventory. They were designed and distributed by the Japanese government in the 1990's to promote capitalism in communist countries.
Legality[edit]
Many schools in the US and Europe banned young people from playing Pokemon. Possession of a Pokemon card at one time led to five-year in prison and dealing Pokemon cards was life imprisonment. Some dealers who were caught selling shiny Pokemon cards are still on death row awaiting execution. In 2000, a Hungarian man went to trial in England for soliciting sex with a prostitute, a charge heightened by the fact he tried to pay with a shiny Blastoise card. It is still illegal to carry Pokemon cards in 136 countries, but some are lenient towards limited and regulated medicinal use, for use by desperate nerds. Currently, the UN has declared Pokemon cards to be "a cause of permanent brain damage...with obsession, gambling, and spending excess amounts of money on the game, as dangerous signs."
In 2001 John Travolta recruited, or rather, forced at gunpoint the number one hacker in the world, Hugh Jackman to attempt Operation Swordfish. The aim was to steal enormous amounts of money, including the government's, in order to buy Pokemon cards. The plan was foiled however, when Travolta realized several months after the theft that he did not know how to play by the official TCG rules.
In 2008 courts across America finally agreed that schools just have a silver spoon up their ass, and just need to get busy livin, or get busy dyin'. At the supreme court, the Chief o' J just went off, saying, "Man whatever, the superintendents just need to relax, play some TCG." It is rumored however that the Chief o' J was under the influence of Pokemon cards.
You Just Lost The Game[edit]
Each player needs to make a deck consisting of at least 2 cards. You also need a double-headed coin (two heads are better than one), and some damaged counters (if you don't have any, take the counter from your kitchen, it will become damaged when you remove it). Shuffle the deck, and then set 6 side-cards face down. These side-cards are given to the winner of the game. Flip a double-head coin to see who goes first. Each player picks up seven cards and puts any card he/she wishes onto the table face-down. After you turn them face-up, then whoever's number is lower gets to play first. You can play however many cards you want on your turn, except for Blastoise which can only be played once (unless you have a Water Energy in play). Compare your strength to your opponent's weakness to see if you win. If you do, then you get to add some damaged counters to your opponent's pokemon. If they have too many, it is discarded and then the opponent has to pick another card. If you run out of cards then you automatically lose the game.
Pokemon cards are of the following types:
- Basic Pokemons: These cards are the most basic form of a Pokemon. Usually you can get more powers by adding an evolution card as well. Example: Missingno
- Evolution Cards: This card lets you evolve a Pokemon to a different Pokemon. Sometimes you will not have enough energy to do this. Normally if you have enough energy it will make it more powerful, but it also means that you have to discard multiple cards if you lose this. Example: Venustoise
- Trainer: This card is a powerful card, even though you usually have to discard it right away. You better listen to what they said, because they are good trainers. Some trainers, such as Professor Oak, tell you do things that doesn't make sense, such as "Discard your hand, and then draw seven cards". Obviously you can't draw anything if you don't have a hand to hold the pencil. Professor Oak was probably drunk at that time. Example: Bill (draw 2 cards)
- Energy: These are the most powerful cards in the entire game, which is why you are limited to only one per turn. So if you want to win this game, make a deck entirely out of energy cards and/or Blastoises. There are eight different kinds of energy, from weakest to strongest, they are: Water, Leek, Fighting, Cascade, Power, Volcano, Psychic, and Powerless.
- Pass Card: This card has no effect. (This card was originally called a "Psst!" card.) Example: Imakuni?'s computer (even Imakuni? has a computer, and on his day off he goes into his computer to think about the past.) Easy to trade to toddlers and beginners, because you can lie and say they're good cards. Look out for karma, though.
- Pretty Rare Ones: Like the ones you can get like 6 basic cards for. The ones that put fear in an 8 year old's eyes. Usually shiny or in a foreign language.
Each Pokemon card has the following parts:
- Name: This is the name of the card. It is useful in case you forget what it is.
- HP: HP is short for horse power. It is used in case you want to run away. It tells you how fast you can run away from your opponent's pokemon.
- Strength: The symbol next to the HP tells you your strength. Compare it against your opponent's weakness to see if you win. But even if you don't, you will probably still damage it.
- Power: Usually this section of the card indicates automatic effects that are related to this card, so pay attention.
- Attacks: These attacks are used mostly if you wish to damage your opponent. You need the correct kind of energy if you want to attack, unless it is a star, in that case you can use anything. There are many different kind of attacks in this game, including but not limited to: "Egg Drop", "Stink", "Peace Treaty","Lunch Break", and "Professor Oak's Microwave of Powerlessness".
- Weakness: If you have a weakness, then you can get double damaged. Obviously, it is usually (but not always) better to not have a weakness. Ghost pokemon don't have a weakness, so they can take only a single damage.
- Resistance: This lets you reduce some of the damage that you are taking. For example, a resistance of 0Ω means that it conducts perfectly. Of course, nothing is perfect, and you should better get a resistance of 1kΩ.
- Flavor text: This text is useless. Ignore it. Unless you are hungry and you want to eat the cards.
- Back: The back of the card has a picture of a ball half red and half white, and it is useful if you want to make sure that you are using the correct cards to play this game.
- Team Rocket: They are thieves who are known to steal Pokemon cards out of people's pockets.
Winning strategies[edit]
There are many strategies to winning at the Pokemon card game, these are just a few of them... Actually, there are no strategies to winning at the Pokemon card game. If you play this game you're already a loser. But here are some ways to make your opponent a BIGGER loser:
- Haymaker: This uses the Trainer card "Haymaker" to turn all Pokemons on both sides into hay.
- Rain Dance: Lots of Blastoises and water energies blasts the opponent's Pokemon while he is distracted by you doing a rain dance.
- Damage Swap: While your opponent isn't looking, you transpose the damaged counters between your Pokemon and his.
- Imakuni?: Makes your own active pokemon confused. Imakuni? wants you to play him as a basic pokemon but you can't.
- Shed Skin: Rip the skin off your hands and distract your opponent with it. All that time, your 7 sided card will blast the opponents pokemon.
- Be Creepy: Hold up every card before playing it while making a really creepy face and saying creepy things in an attempt to freak out your opponent (face paint optional).
- FALCON PUNCH! You falcon punch the crap out of their pokemon nuff seid you win.
- Lighter You light all your opponents card while they're not looking(for some extra fun also light them on fire!)
- The Ol' 1-2 Distract your opponent by tactically obtaining one of his cards, then whilst doing so, slyly switch your Poke Trainer card for his deck. He will be none the wiser!
The Ultimate card[edit]
The ultimate card in all the Pokemon card games is the legendary Chuck Norris card! It is so rare, that in any tournaments, it is illegal to play the card. Most arenas (local nerd shops) will kick you out and ban you, for fear HE will come.
In order to get this card you have to trade your two balls (which are probably impotent and useless due to your obsession in collecting pokemon cards), feed them to a doduo, then wipe out North Korea from the map. Perform a sacrificial ritual to C'thulhu using North Korea as an offering, and pray to God that C'thulhu will give you your card. When you possess this card, congratulations! You are now the best pokemon card player/collector in the world, you are now sterile as fuck, girls now stay the fuck away from you (9000 meters won't help; not even your mom will go near you), and nobody cares about your damn card you n00b!