Pickle Wars
“This war is a parody of every Space Opera you've ever seen!”
The Pickle Wars were an intergalactic war between the alien Pickles and the humans of Arcadia. It was a short war, and most people think it happened for no discernable reason. Somehow it ended with the aid of a grad student of Arcadian history known as Dave Wilson, and an Ensign in the Arcadian Coast Guard, Linda.
How it Began[edit]
The war began as ships from the Pickle aliens drifted close to Arcadia's orbit. Arcadia was a peaceful planet that never bothered anyone, and it didn't even have weapons to protect itself.
The Pickle Emperor, his royal slimyness, was bored. He commanded his armies to invade the planet, causing mass hysteria in the Arcadian humans. He started slow, with just one litle note sent to the capital city saying: "Surrender Humans".
Looking upon it in his comfy flagship, he said it was good, and that he hadn't had this much fun since he pickled his brother. But he was displeased. The humans didn't surrender, despite having no way of fighting back. Since they wouldn't surrender, the Pickle Emperor declared war for no discernable reason.
The Humans Desperate Attempt[edit]
As the Pickle armies invaded the planet, with the aliens, hover machines and giant destruction rovers, the humans on the planet had to fight back without weapons.
The Attorney General had decided to start by arresting the aliens under the Arcadian RICO act, because war was against the law, and they weren't going to allow unlawfulness on their planet.
Using diplomatic action, Arcadia talked nice and politely with the Pickles, but all their efforts were met in confusion with replies such as "Gotcha! Our team's winning!" And they were, Pickles were watching the war from TVs in bars and placed bets on how long the Humans would last.
The aliens kept coming, and the outlook seemed grim until someone decided to toss a tomato at an alien in defense. The Pickle warrior fainted in shock. Realizing this, news was spread planet-wide to arm themselves with weggies, SaladShooters working the best.
Realizing that the Humans were stunning his soldiers non-violently with vegetables, The Pickle Emperor was furious. He sent many messages and threats to the Humans telling them that shooting his warriors was making him upset and anyone caught using vegetables would be dumped in a pit of tasty slime molds. The empty threats didn't work, and humans continued to spite the emperor.
Meanwhile...[edit]
As the war raged on, Arcadia went on with its business. The stock market plummetted many points, but vegetable farmers had stocks going sky-high. Insurance salesmen took advantage of this and sold stock insurance to make sure pesky alien invasions wouldn't be worried about again.
Other products were being advertised throughout the global mail system, from personality transplants, GalacticVisa credit, vacations on scenic planet Puzzle, MouseBubbles dishwasher fluid that made dishes squeaky clean with the power of ten hungry mice, dog fur styles in new day-glo colors, NukWin window shields, and the like.
Roaches[edit]
During the war, people had another problem. Roaches. The Arcadians had wiped out all non-human forms of life on the planet, save for the roaches. And those suckers were MEAN!
But the science guys on Arcadia turned roach hunting into a sport with the Roachget Pistol. You shoot a roach with the pistol, and it vaporized the roach away.
Enclosed in the instructions were not to shoot anything other than a roach, and to get anything that was shot that wasn't a roach to a decontamination center immediately.
Unfortunately, roaches that were shot with the Roachget Pistols started to grow really large and begin to be able to utilize tools. Humans were afraid of this, and proposed an evacuation so they could fumigate the planet. This plan was postponed by the ongoing Pickle invasion.
Looking for the Ancient Weapons[edit]
Since stunning the aliens with vegetables wasn't going to work for a long time, considering that stunning an alien would only leave them on the ground long enough for you to pass without causing permanent damage to any living beings, the humans needed to get weapons fast, considering the odds of surrendering within a week was 15 to 1.
Dave Wilson, a grad student in History at the Arcadian University, had heard about the Ancient Weapons that protected Arcadia in ceturies past, and that they were stored in Lord Geric's school of Martial Arts in the many stockrooms, had to get over there, collecting his mail from floating machines, occasionally shooting his mail by acciednt. It was hard to read his mail through the bleu cheese and carrots.
The old man was old and babbling and didn't provide much help. As Dave went in search of the Ancient Weapons in the stockrooms, he couldn't find anything, except another SaladShooter. Looking upon this, Lord Geric told Dave he wanted a salad with extra dressing.
Later, a Coast Guard Ensign named Linda had stepped in to look for the weapons herself. She met with success as Lord Geric was babbling about a Doomsday Machine to Dave, which had helped Arcadia on the War on Strategee, despite Strategee being a piece of barren rock. It also made really good milkshakes!
Dave, Linda and Geric did not have much time. The planet was already being attacked by Bungee Boomerangs, and some Pickles were sitting in bars betting on when the Humans would surrender. As Linda looked for the rest of the Ancient Weapons, Dave searched the archives for any useful information on the Doomsday machine. They both found what they were looking for, but just as they did...
Kidnapping of a Human[edit]
A giant hole blasted through the ceiling. A giant hand had come out and put Linda in a jar, because the Pickle Emperor heard about the Doomsday Machine and wanted to interrogate one of the Humans to find out more. As Linda yelled for help, Dave shot out a blaster at the hole, to no avail. He asked Lord Geric what they should do now, and his only reply was to "Go out for pizza?"
The War Rages Onward[edit]
The war was continuing to move as Dave and Linda were stumbling in Lord Geric's supply closet for the Ancient Weapons.
Since Arcadia had no weapons, the people of the Coast Guard, including Linda herself had to attack the Pickle Warriors with salad. The officers equipped all the flying speeders with salad cannons. No one knew how to shoot them, but everyone ate salad before so it was an easy learning curve.
Two Coast Guard women, Lisa and Laura Della-Rose, were both awarded the new Green Heart award for being wounded in the line of duty. Laura was submerged under a heavy pile of rutabagas, but she was wearing her scuba gear and was dug out unharmed 3 hours later. Her sister Lisa was also wounded when a salad cannon backfired in her face, smothering Lisa in bleu cheese. "What a bad hair day," Lisa says of her mishap.
A mysterious person with the initials C.K. was seen to be a ghostly aid in the war on Pickles. It was speculated that this was the Commander Keen from a war long past. Lieutenant Jodi Crowther claimed that they needed help from heroes like Commander Keen, and at this desperate point, they'd even take help from Benny Bookworm.
[edit]
We cannot tell too much more of this event, for we only have Episode 1 of the Pickle Wars Trilogy, because #1 is is free shareware published by Redwood Games.
In the games, you play as both Dave and Linda as you blast evil Pickles with salad, flip switches for moving platforms, open doors with colored keys and collect goodies. The game is a fun way to waste the day, with little violence that damages living beings, wonderful explosions from robots, and a great storyline.
The game has the most tongue-in-cheek humor that comes from the mail machines, and also advertises Redwood Games's famous educational Rescue Series, which featured kids that learned to read and solve arithmetic while sliming Gruzzles by pointing at them, with a butterfly companion. It was a fun time to see aliens leave to take baths.